Girly Jock

Thank you and Goodnight

2009-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have noticed that I've taken a break from blogging. I needed it, as it was becoming a chore to write new posts and attempt wittiness and worry about alienating people, and saying the wrong thing, and frankly, I wasn't enjoying it anymore.

In addition, it's been well-documented on this blog that when I start interneting for fun, I get nothing done for the rest of the day. And it's completely true: when I use the internet to look things up and apply for jobs, I don't spend much time online, and I get to actually live my life, instead of researching the things I want to do. Plus, as I send out more and more applications, I've been wondering how blogging would fit into my life when I'd work 40 hours a week, and work out, and plan a wedding, and still learn to cook and work on my crafting, and realized that I can't do it all. And since working, exercise, wedding planning, crafting, reading, and learning to cook all give me a much better sense of accomplishment (which in turn, leads to a more confdent and less neurotic Tricia), while blogging doesn't make me feel like I've "done" something, and makes me feel like I've let the entire internet down by skipping workouts, I'm going to stop blogging.

Plus, on a more geeky level, I just got a Wii fit, and have been doing that in the mornings, when I should be blogging (I think it's fun and can contribute to overall health and weight loss through NEAT, but in itself is not a great workout, at least the way I use it). And frankly, it gives me meaningless computer-generated praise that for some reason is like crack to me. And pretending to hula hoop is more fun than writing.

I'll still be reading and occaisionally commenting on your blogs (again, there's the coming up with witty things), and I'll still be updating BridalJock once a week, at least until the thank-you notes are all sent. I may also beg for guest posting spots, and my e-mail will be checked at least every other day, so I'll still be up for "talking".

I'd like to thank everyone who, over the years of my blogging (yes, years, which is crazy for me to think about), have made it such a great experience, and I really do hope to keep in touch with everyone I've met through the internet.

Frustration

2009-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

This week, I again fell short of my goal, because something's off with my gait. I managed to make all the muscles around my pelvis hurt, especially the back muscles on my right side, so I had to take the weekend off. Now, this drove me crazy for several reasons: 1. I'd just put my clients through "Tabata Fridays", where I come up with a series of exercises, and make them do tabatas of them (20 seconds work, 10 seconds rest, for 8 rounds. And you have to shoot for the same number of reps per round), and for a second, I thought "bad workout karma". 2, I'd promised myself that I would start working out on weekends, and 3, this happened while I was trying to run, which makes me question whether or not I should be trying to run.

The good news is, my back is fine, and I'm going to try again, this time trying to stay at at least a jog, and not alternate my speed too fast (I think the problem might be that I've been speeding up and slowing down too quickly, and my muscles have to move in ways that they wouldn't normally). I've added the less than two miles to my IOMyself log, and have promised myself that I'll make up that total this week.

There was also a positive note: I did yoga for the first time in ages. And I realized how stressed out I was: in between backbends, the lady on the DVD told me to relax, and I felt the muscles in my face relax. By the end of the deep relaxation, I felt like I'd just had a massage. It showed me that I needed to chill out (also that I've lost a lot of flexibility), and I enjoyed it so much that I know I'll be going back to frequent yoga as soon as possible (so tomorrow when I'm waiting for the coffee to brew).

Grrr

2009-10-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so when I rattled off a list of things that sucked out my motivation? I realized those things aren't nearly as bad as hopping on a bike and riding 6.5 miles (not a real bike, a gym "you're pedaling to nowhere" bike), and feeling ready to puke or nap. Or both. So instead of lifting, I went home and showered, and wanted to lay down in the tub and nap.

The good thing was, that although the workout was yucky and hateful, and I didn't get any endorphins out of the deal, I realized that I was so miserable because I was setting speeds for myself that were unrealistic, and pushing myself too hard. So on Thursday, I was back in the gym, this time finishing up the 20Km on the bike (6 miles. 20K is about 12.5 miles), and lifting (2 rounds of 20 pull-ups, and yes, I used the assisted ones, 30 push-ups, and 40 sit ups. Yes, I wussified a Crossfit workout). Then I left the gym, with my "lifting" unfinished (I wanted to do the real workout), but hitting 55 minutes working out, and keeping my transitions short. The only time I "rested" was when someone asked me about the assisted pull-up, and could I teach them to use it (I had no idea what they meant, so I showed them the weight stack that went with the machine, explained the physics, and then suggested that the woman talk to the front desk), or when my abs would not sit up any more. And when I cleaned my sweat off the machines and mats.

When I left, I felt like I could have pushed futher, but as I want to build up mommentum, I decided to go for an hour and leave after that hour. I even set my stopwatch, so that there would be no estimation needed (I hit start when I hit all the things in to program the bike, and stop when I stopped working out). Right now, I think that the key for me is to keep staying off the internet before going to the gym (it's seriously annoying, because I want to check my e-mail first thing in the morning, but I know that it's a gateway page), and to work on building up mommentum. I have decided to give myself a break on the guilt for the missed workouts by "owing" myself what I'd planned to do. Every week, I write in a notebook that I owe myself 10km on the treadmill, and 20km on the bike, plus 2 lifting sessions, and 2 yoga sessions. As I do them, I remove them from the list (the "owing myself" part is what's making it motivating. It makes me feel like I need to repay a debt, and also, I want the debt paid). If I don't do them, their totals get carried into the next week.

I've also decided to shoot for as many days in a row as possible for going to the gym. Now, while some of my workouts are intense, for this week, my goal is just to spend an hour in the gym each day (and I have to go to a dress trying on in a week, and BK and I are doing stuff on Saturday, so I know I'll be getting two days off in a week). Today, I'll be walk/running on the treadmill for an hour, and then maybe doing some yoga to stretch out. Tomorrow, I'll be updating Bridal Jock, so there's that anxiety-ridden joy to look forward to (in case any of you do look forward to it).

Have a good weekend! (anyone have plans?)

Terrible

2009-10-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

It's been about a week and a half since I last worked out. Part of this is because I was sick, and when I wasn't dizzy, had no energy (all of last week). The other part of this (this week) is a conglomeration of reasons, not the least of which is because I'm not motivated. I am very motivated. But there are several motivation-killers in my life.

For starters, it's getting cold here. And my gym is close enough that it'd take me longer to drive to it than to walk. Which is fine, but my apartment complex hasn't turned the heat on yet (when that happens, due to the fact that BK and I live on the top floor, the apartment will be about 85 degrees Farenheit), but in the morning, I consider it a victory if I don't turn the coffeepot on then go back to the warm bed, and lacing up my shoes and heading over to the gym doesn't really occur to me as something I'm going to do until later in the day.

In addition, I've been deciding that, since the gym can be pushed back, I'll get other things crossed off my to-do list. And for some reason, I'll hop on the computer, knowing that I forget about everything when I'm online (to be fair, some of the things I need to get done happen online). The other problem with this has been that, because it's so cold, I'll also forget to eat, because cold trumps hunger in my world (I am a baby about cold. BK is never cold. When he first mentioned this to me, I seriously doubted if we were compatible. BK also loves it when it's cold, because I will snuggle him more. Well he calls it snuggling. I call it "leeching heat"). Now, it's an established rule here that if I'm not eating, I don't work out.

Lastly, BK has been working super crazy hours, and I don't see him. So when it gets to be 6:30ish, I don't want to work out, because he could come home soon, and I want to spend time with him. And why would I want to go to the gym where we don't really talk or get close when we can eat dinner and talk and snuggle/leech heat? Plus, if I do go to the gym and come back, and he isn't home yet, it freaks me out and leaves me more worried.

So I've decided to set the "No Internet Until I've Sweated" rule back into place. Because I don't need to go on the internet at a certain time. So instead, I'll eat breakfast and do other work, then do other work until it's okay for me to work out and won't result in my throwing up. Then I'll go to the gym, sweat for an hour or so, and come home, shower, and then allow myself to spend time on the computer.

As for the cold, I'll wear a sweatshirt there, and just carry it with me (Because I fail to see the need for me to have a locker, and don't want to deal with locks & such, when I can carry my keys and water bottle). And if that earns me the reputation as the gym's Linus (the kid from Peanuts who carried his blanket everywhere), then so be it.

Thinness is not the holy grail

2009-10-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

The more blogs and articles I read, the more it seems like people have this idea that being fit is the solution to all their problems. And while it is true that I do generally feel better when I'm working out regularly (I feel like crap, and a good most of that is because I was sick and sleep deprived and didn't get a chance to get to the gym), I do not have a perfect life.

True, my outlook is rosier, and I tend to be more optimistic, but I'd be kidding myself if I didn't assume that the optimism was due to the endorphin rush, and the fact that I eat better when I work out, and am less likely to feel sluggish and dragged down. BK and I still fight, I still get stressed about my wedding, and the fact that I need a bigger pants size (thanks to no longer having an eating disorder. And no, I haven't gotten over myself and bought new pants) still drives me nuts, even if I know that I'm healthy.

And frankly, the implication that fit people have perfect lives bothers me, mainly because being fit is associated with being thin. It makes it seem as though any and every measure should be embraced in the pursuit of a smaller size, because naturally there is no way to be fit if you're larger than a size 6, even if you aren't able to fit into a size 6, unless you surgically decrease the space between your hipbones. Further, there is an implication that if you are thin, you are healthy, which is untrue.

There also seems to be a morality behind being healthy, but again, "health" means "thin". Honestly, if you mention that you're thinking of getting healthy, you'll get about 3 different diet suggestions, from low-carb, to the Zone, to South Beach, to Master Cleanse. No one suggests maybe training for a 5K, or some other fitnessy event that would enable you to improve a number of things that are unrelated to a scale.

And if you mention that you don't follow a set diet, but try to get to the gym and eat "mostly healthy", you get eye rolls and snorts and someone saying "oh, so you're not really trying". And it's frustrating, because I get eating disordered fairly quickly, and any diet that requires more than a passing notice of what's going into my mouth sends me into a scary place real fast. But that's not something you can tell a person that's a casual acquaintance, especially if you don't want to make a *thing* out of your eating habits (seriously. I told someone that I had had an ED, only to have them say "but you're eating french fries", as if the fact that I happen to be eating french fries means that I've never had any issues with food).

I'm not saying that people shouldn't strive to be healthy. It's great. But people need to understand that while eating habits are important to overall health, so is exercising regularly and getting enough sleep. And thinness isn't a cure-all: just because you wear a smaller pants size doesn't mean that you'll like your job more, or that all your financial problems will vanish, or even that you'll be healthier.

YAYAYAYAYAYAY

2009-10-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

I just got a phone call. My wedding dress is in.

I reacted by dancing around my apartment and doing two victory pull-ups. This is a record, because my arms fully extended between the two pullups. And while I'm still congested, that doesn't matter so much any more.

Getting Better

2009-10-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I forced myself to rest more than I wanted to, and more than I'm used to. But it worked, because I feel much better. I also picked up some V8 fusion, even though I'm not a fan of juice, because of the sugar and the lack of fiber (compared to whole fruits).

I do think that I'll be drinking more juice in the future, not only because it's sweet, and it can kill a sugar craving, without being too unhealthy, but also because I've been trying to find something that I can take for energy during my morning workouts (which I've been phoning in), but that won't require me to stop and wait between ingesting the substance and working out. Plus, I figure that I'll burn the sugar off.

I've also decided to make a concerted effort to relax. Not in the sit around, take bubble baths type of relax, but in everyday life. I tend to get stressed out incredibly easily, and make things bigger than they are, which I think is why I tend to get sick more often than others, despite the fact that I work out regularly and eat right, and I've also noticed some obsessive compulsive behavior (for example, whenever I see a split end, I need to cut it. I have no idea why, but there was a mini-freak-out in an airport when I saw a strand of hair that was split about 15 times, and couldn't cut it, because I was in an airport, and had no scissors. I ended up ripping that stand of hair out.

Unfortunately, because I can relax during yoga and meditation, it's not a matter of just incorporating more yoga/meditation time into my day. It's more a matter of getting out of my head, and the constant nervous thoughts. So I've been wearing my shuffle more when running errands (with the volume on low, so that I hear cars and such), as it stops a lot of chatter (for example, at the grocery store, if something passes my minimum requirement for entry into my apartment, I'll wonder if the sugar content is still to high, or whatever).

I'm going to periodically consciously remind myself to take deep breaths and have good posture and relax my shoulders and all that jazz, and hopefully, after a few months, I won't constantly deal with anxiety about every little thing.

Sick

2009-09-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

On Monday, when I woke up, I felt horrible. I could barely breathe, and my thoat felt like it was on fire. Oh, and I was exhausted. You know you're sick when you need a nap after walking from your bed to the couch. Needless to say, there was very little in the way of moving when I didn't have to.

But I watched TV when BK came home, and I played drinking games to my favorite shows with water and tea, and when I woke up on Tuesday, I felt loads better. Except that I didn't care about anything. It was enough to make me wonder if I'd suddenly became depressed. I knew I had errands to do, but couldn't motivate to do them, and I ended up cutting all but the most essential.

Then, when doing said errands, I was exhausted. I wanted to nap a bunch of times, so I decided to skip the gym, thinking that I was probably still sick. And then later, I started shivering and coughing, so I'm still sick.

Now, I didn't meet my triathlon goal last week, but because I came up with it late into the week, I wasn't really expecting to. However, I'm determined to hit that goal, at least. I am feeling a lot better right now (I went to bed way earlier and forgot to post this last night, and then slept in), and I'm in a perfect mood for yoga, so I'll do that after breakfast and see how I feel, then head to the gym.

Building Momentum

2009-09-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

I've been doing Crossfit for a bit. Last week, I stepped up my cardio (setting the goal of a sprint triathlon has been great motivation), and my eating habits have improved, although reading the labels of everything is a bit tedious (although finding out that Milanos aren't that bad did make it worth it).

On Friday, I was ravenous, so I gave myself an eating pass, because I think that the reason I was so hungry was because I haven't been doing cardio recently, and as a result wasn't burning off anything, and my eating habits adjusted to not doing cardio. When I started up again, it took a few days, but my body did get the memo that it needed more fuel. I also made sure to stay hydrated.

I feel a lot better. My energy is up, I've been getting to sleep more easily and I'm able to focus better. In addition, I feel happier. I also think I see more definition in my arms, and am getting used to remembering to post before bed, and then hit the gym as soon as I wake up. At the very least, my motivation is enough to keep getting up and heading into the gym.

Thoughts & Tips

2009-09-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, while walking on the treadmill, I had a lot of time to think. And I thought about why I hate cardio so much. It's not the sweating: I sweat the same amount as when I lift. And it's not the time-suck, it takes the same amount of time for me to walk 5km as to do certain Crossfit workouts. And I realized two things:

1. I do not do well, cardio-wise, unless I have goals.

2. Using the metric system makes it seem like I've gone further than I really have. 3ish miles? Meh. 5 kilometers? Sounds impressive.

So I will be using the metric system to record my distances from now on. In addition, while I can't set a daily "I must go x miles" without rebelling and tossing the program, I can set weekly, impressive-sounding goals for myself and I will probably either hit the goals, or come close to them.

So I've decided that I'm going to try to do the equivalent of a sprint triathlon (750m swim, 20km bike ride, and 5km run), each week. Except I don't have access to a pool, so I'll be running/walking 10km a week and biking 20km.

Besides that, I've been craving chocolate like crazy recently. And I have found something that works, for me at least: Milano cookies. I picked up the Mint & Double chocolate flavors (they were on sale). They passed my "no HFCS" rule (yay!), and calorie-wise, they're not that bad. The Double Chocolate cookies have 140 Calories and 10 grams of sugar (I'm not thrilled about that, but the serving size is 2 cookies, which does take care of my cravings. Also, it means that each cookie is 70 Calories and has 5 grams of sugar, which is pretty awesome for a non-health-food cookie). The Mint cookies have 130 Calories and 8 grams of sugar, and again, the serving size is 2 cookies. And with both, I've felt satiated in terms of chocolate cravings. Also, I just had the packets out on the table next to me so I could accurately report the nutrition facts, and I wasn't tempted to snack on them, because in my mind, they're a craving indulgence only, not a snack.

Also, in my smoothie adventures, I learned that nuts (so far I've tried almonds and cashews) make smoothies taste rich and creamy (probably because of the fats in them), which makes me happy, because I hate almonds (unless they're covered in chocolate), but they're good for me.

In blogging news, I'll be updating Bridal Jock (and making sure it's on my blogroll) at some point either today or over the weekend. So there's that to look for if you get bored over the weekend.

Owie

2009-09-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to the gym before doing anything. Part of my workout included 100 pull-ups. While I totally did them assisted (40 lbs. assisting), and was allowed to take breaks from pulling up, I "had" to finish all 100 before moving on.

Today, my arms are sorer than they've ever been. My left arm feels like it's been punched. I couldn't do yoga without wincing, so I didn't. I also skipped my 5K run today, because I felt really really tired, and didn't want more sugar cravings than I'm already dealing with.

Tomorrow (Wednesday), I will lift and do yoga in the morning, then go to the gym and run. I'm not going to focus on the fact that it's a lot of sweating, as I'm going to see that I have been eating a lot of junk, and need the cardio and yoga tomorrow, because seriously, everything above my legs hurts, and I'm exhausted, and I need to chill out and get rid of the waste product that is making my muscles scream. But I know that if I tell myself I need to go to the gym to run (or do any cardio), I won't go. So I'll lift with my legs (which feel fine), which will take 20 minutes, tops, then run.

Eating-wise, I've already gone through my 2 not so healthy meals this week. BK worked late on Monday, and I was not in a mood to try to cook, so we ordered pizza, and tonight BK and I are going to watch the Red Wings play, and I ate a chicken sandwich and split an order of crab fries. Not exactly healthy, but again, this is why I will be doing a longer gym session.

Update: Yesterday, while not a success, was still good. I didn't run much, but I did a run/really fast walk for 3.45 miles. It took forever, but I wanted my legs to get used to moving longer distances (not in the elliptical) before making them move longer distances really fast. After I'd "warmed up" on the treadmill, I was able to run for longer periods without my knee hurting, so I'm taking this as a good sign.

I also thought a lot while walking, and came up with some good ideas to make sure I get my cardio in. And I'll be updating Bridal Jock more, starting this afternoon, because it's getting closer to the wedding.

How My Diet Slipped

2009-09-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I wrote about where my diet needed improvement. What I didn't mention was how my diet got to a point where it needed serious tweaking.

First off, it's true that part of the refined carbs were always in my diet, and I just didn't recognize them. It's just easier to find prepared meals that contain white flour than whole wheat (although Amy's is great).

But the other issue was that I've started reading more blogs, in a lurker capacity. And while some of them are great, others that I used to enjoy started becoming much more preachy and arrogant and snarky, which honestly puts me off their message, and makes me want to do the opposite of whatever the blogger is suggesting.

Instead of simply dismissing the blogger's tirade as the writer having a bad day or whatever, I'd get defensive about my eating habits, because the rants never admitted that there was a possibility that any other way of eating would work for anyone. It was as if the writer firmly believed that because X worked for them, there was no other way of eating/exercising that could work for anyone.

Further, some of the bloggers were a bit hypocritical. They would talk about how they never ate sugar, including fruit, but then talked about eating bananas and berries and apples and FRUIT. And it drove me crazy, and made me just start ignoring the guidelines I set for myself, since I was being sent messages that by eating whole wheat bread and fruit, I was screwing my health over. I figured that if I was going to end up with a bunch of health issues, I might as well eat pizza and ice cream.

In addition, I'm stressed with finding a new job and planning a wedding, and sometimes, I'd rather just not have to keep checking ingredient lists and nutrition labels. But between slacking on the diet/exercise front, being stressed, and not sleeping last week, I've been sick this weekend. On the positive side, I have managed to get back to a normal sleep schedule, and my eating habits are a lot better (I even made chicken soup, which is the first dinner I've made, ever).

When BK goes to work, I'll be heading over to the gym for some lifting time, before showering and sitting down to read some of the non-crazy-making blogs with coffee and oatmeal.

Where I Need Improvement

2009-09-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

Last post, I mentioned that my eating habits needed to improve, and MizFit asked what I thought needed improvement, as from her vantage point, my eating was fine. Which makes sense, because I thought that my eating was fine too.

But I have realized/noticed that I eat a lot of refined carbs. Some of the carbs I'm aware of (like the white flour in my pizza crust, and tortilla chips and salsa), and some I'm not. I also adore pizza. I could happily eat it every night for a month, although we limit it to once a week. That, coupled with French Fries and Pilsbury crescent rolls (which I don't think I'll ever be able to give up, although I can limit myself to 3 rolls a month), seems to be the issue with my meals.

The other problem is that when we keep fresh fruit in the apartment, we get fruit flies, which BK hates, and I think are gross. As a result, I haven't replaced the fruit when it ran out (besides the frozen fruit), and now, when I'm craving sweeter things, I'll reach for chocolate chips or a spoonful of frosting. And it's usually when I work out more, or harder than usual that I'll indulge in the frosting.

Now, I have won in some areas, for example, I no longer feel the need for dessert, and won't eat tons of sweets at night (which was a problem for me). I"ve also learned that if I put two teaspoons of sugar in my coffee, and have berries on my oatmeal, I'll get cravings for fruit rather than chocolate/frosting cravings . Plus, the coffee tastes indulgently good with the sugar, so I won't start rationalizing how I should have that frosting, as I've been good all day. And because I follow the coffee with oatmeal and berries, I don't establish a streak of less-healthy options. I also learned that I will eat whatever's easiest for me, whether or not it's healthy, so I'll be making up large quantities of healthy things to eat on the weekend, so that I don't have to worry about eating too many carbs (I do need moderate amounts of carbs, it's just that I'm eating more than a moderate amount of them).

I'm also going to get a clean eating cookbook so that I can learn to prepare healthy meals (any suggestions?). I figure one pizza meal a week is fine, but when refined carbs make their way into almost every weekend meal, there's a problem.

When it comes to exercise, I'll consider it a victory if I work out twice a week. I know I said I'd only allow myself net-time if I've worked out, but that lasted about a week. The problem is that I use this blog to catch any disordered thoughts, so I really do need to write it out. I started getting anxious about not posting, and potentially not catching the crazy nugget before it turned into giant steaming pile of crazy. But I have a new plan for that: I'm going to write posts the night before, and then hit "publish" just before I go to sleep. When I wake up, I work out first, read blogs/eat breakfast second (anyone mind if I post that I worked out already when I comment on your blogs? MizFit?). And I'm going to start trying to get BK to go to the gym in the morning with me, as we always seem to make excuses when we wait until he gets back from work.

(Note: I did not work out this week, as my gym blew it's electrical box, and BK was on a trip, so I got no sleep, and am currently too tired to remember what I'm doing. For example, I'll be thirsty, and go to the kitchen to get some water, but forget and stand in the kitchen for a few minutes. Clearly not in any shape to do anything requiring counting or coordination).

Adapting Pt. 2

2009-09-15T22:04:00.001-07:00

Okay, last week I posted about starting crossfit. And I have been doing some of the workouts. It's just that going into the decision to try crossfit, I promised myself that if something seemed like it would hurt my lower back or knees, I wouldn't do it. So any kind of loaded squat or deadlift was out.

Essentially I wanted to stop having to think about what I needed to do before working out. And I did get that from Crossfit. But I also got a number of workouts that I either couldn't do because of equipment issues, or couldn't do without injuring myself.

And I found several workouts that I could do, and be excited about, and that would help me in my goals. So for now, I'm using them as part of my lifting, and then working on running longer, and doing yoga.

Last weekend also showed me that while my eating habits are relatively healthy, there is more room for improvement than I'd initially thought, which could be the reason for the lack of definition.

Sorry if this is disjointed, but I've been dealing with a bit of a cold and BK left on a business trip this morning, and I don't sleep well without him, and got up early so I'm running on very little sleep.

New Sports Classifications

2009-09-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Charlotte posted about the controversy surrounding Caster Semenya, the inter-sex runner to smoked the woman's record for the 800 meters. The problem is that although she was raised as a woman and has female characteristics, instead of ovaries, she has testes, and they are producing a high amount of testosterone. This is giving officials a headache because while Semenya did nothing illegal, the fact remains that she naturally has more testosterone than other women, thus giving her a competitive edge.

The problem presented is that if the officials decide to count Semenya's record, depending on her testosterone levels, the bar could be set too high for a woman who lacks testes to beat. However, it's not fair to inter-sexed people to tell them that no matter how hard they train, that they will not be permitted to keep their trophies, because of a genetic advantage. But it's the nature of the advantage that rubs me the wrong way: if Semenya's testosterone levels were nearing performance-enhancement levels, it makes it illegal for a woman to try to beat.

Now, if anyone knew that Semenya was inter-sex before she competed, I think that that person had a duty to come forward and explain the situation, so that the issue could be hashed out before Semenya won a gold medal and smoked a world record, as now there's the fact that Semenya will be penalized for competing (unless she was aware of her situation, and did not tell anyone, in which case, I think that she effectively lied to the officials, and should be stripped of the record and the medal).

However, given the number of transgendered and inter-sex individuals, the sports world should be facing a crisis of classification: if the officials persist in keeping athletes divided by gender, there will continue to be controversies of this nature, especially as the definition of gender differs from person to person, and simple genetics are no longer the end-all definition in the real world.

But the sports world is different. Physical ability and, to some extent, genetics does come into play on the field (no pun intended). And given that Semenya has both male and female sex organs, officials have no real reason to decide who Semenya's competitors are.

I think that the best way for the officials to handle the issue is to do away with the traditional male and female teams. Instead, the officials should compile the past hormone levels of what used to be the male and female "leagues", and decide on a boundary line. Any athlete with testosterone levels above the boundary would compete in a "high testosterone" league, and those who fall below the line would compete in a "low testosterone" league. This would effectively keep the playing field level, which is the point of testing for performance enhancers.

Now, while the first few years might be rough, in the long run, it could be beneficial: gym classes have stopped separating boys and girls, so why not stop separating them in general. It'll stop boys from automatically assuming that girls are weak and fragile, and it might spur everyone to greater heights of competition.

Crossfit is Crazy

2009-09-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I tried Crossfit for the first time. The workout of the day (WOD) can be found here (scroll down to 9/9). I managed to do three rounds, modifying the pull-ups (40lbs assisting) and the box jumps (I had to use a weight bench). The lunges I did as directed.

There were definite times in the gym where, when lunging, the dumbbells would hit my wrists and press against my forearms, which was pretty painful. The weights were heavy, and after the first round, I was exhausted. But the voice in my head, that usually whines and wants to leave, put on its The Bride (Kill Bill) pants, and, after my dropping the heavy dumbbells and wanting to give up in the second round, went "pick it up". There was no "you can do it" cheerleading going on, no telling myself to give it my best try. It was a do-it-right-now-no-excuses time.

Because the workout was for time, I really really tried to do everything as quickly as possible, but it took be 36 minutes 14 seconds to do the three rounds. I was sweaty and a little pukey for most of it (I didn't puke though). Then I went grocery shopping, ate dinner (turkey tacos with peppers and guacamole on a spinach tortilla), and went to bed.

Yesterday, I woke up and felt awesome: I'd slept deeply, woke up earlier than usual (without the alarm clock), and felt a lot better about my body. I think that, because I've been scared to try crossfit in the past, just knowing I gave it my best for one workout was pretty cool.

I felt like a badass all day. However, my knee was giving me signals that, while it wasn't injured just yet, it was on its way to getting hurt. So I took yesterday off, and I'm thinking that if I crossfit every other day, and do yoga or something on the off days, I'll be better able to ease into the training schedule.

Can You Ever Really be Judgement Free?

2009-09-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, BK and I joined a new gym. We picked the gym because it's really close to our apartment and it's inexpensive. Yes, I was sad when I found out that there was no rowing machine, but I've decided to work on running, so the lack of a rowing machine may not be that big of a deal. But I still think I'm going to hate working out there.

For starters, there are "judgement free zone" posters all over the gym. Which is fine, but I judge myself at the gym (how I feel, how often I go, etc.), so for me, being told that no one wants to be judged is fine, but I'm still going to judge myself. Also, I totally felt judged by the person who signed us up.

Now, I understand that the culture of "no judging" is designed to make the less fit feel comfortable going to the gym, and I applaud that. But not if it comes at the expense of other gym-goers. And in this case, it does. On the wall about the free weight area, there is a "lunk alarm". Near the alarm, a sign helpfully provides the definition of a lunk: someone who grunts or moans while working out, or drops weights, or who judges.

Like I said, they're a bit fanatical about the judging. And while I think they can enforce no pointing and laughing at other people there (does any gym allow that?), it's almost impossible to stop all judgements that occur in the gym.

While I can get on board with the no-dropping weights rule, I fail to see the merit in telling people that they can't grunt or moan, or else the "lunk alarm" will be sounded (I have no idea if it works, but I get the feeling it does). If you work to muscle failure, there may be a certain amount of noise being made. Hell, even if you increase the weight you work with, there may be certain noises made. I know this, because it happened to me while working out on Monday (a truly craptastic workout). And the last thing I wanted was to be embarassed for making a bit of noise in the weight area (I do grunt with heavier weights. I try to keep it quiet, but it just happens).

Also, *deep breath* I'm going to try crossfit. It seems like everyone I know is training for a half marathon, so this is going to be my workout reaction. I'm almost positive that some of the things are beyond my strength to do, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I may also do some running work, but I'll try to keep that to intervals and sprints. I'm also going to keep doing yoga (maybe on every other rest day, I haven't figured it out).

Now, I'd hope that the average person who goes to the gym would understand that sometimes, people grunt when they lift. I'd also like the point out the irony in demanding no judgement, and judging a group of people (the grunters).

Baby Steps

2009-09-04T05:14:00.000-07:00

Last post was pretty dead-on in terms of how I'm feeling about my appearance, but I'm slowly getting over it. Not in the raising my self-esteem way (I'm pretty good on that front most days), but in a more constructive way. Right now, I'm figuring out what I'd have to do to "fix" the appearance flaws listed in the last post (not-flawless skin and tubelike arms), and deciding how much I want them.

For example, my skin is awesome when I drink 8+ glasses of water a day, in addition to 4 big mugs of tea. But in addition to that, I'd also have to wash my face once in the morning and twice at night (after rinsing the soap off, re-soap and repeat. It works wonders), moisturize, and do weekly face masks to keep my pores looking small. And maybe take fish oil (which I do anyway). Now, as I already drink my weight in tea, and am trying to drink more water, and wash my face twice a day, and moisturize, I may decide that this is worth it. However, I'm not doing all that right now, so it's kind of silly of me to expect to look like I am.

With my arms, it's a simple fact that I don't know how to make them non-tubelike, as they've never shown tons of definition. Now, part of this could be that I'm very fair skinned and a tan might show the definition that I have but no one can see because of my pale skin. The other issue might just be that I'm not challenging my arms the way I should on a regular basis, so I'll be taking that on more.

In the spirit of challenging myself, I rowed 15 km (25 minutes), and increased the weight I use for my arms, although I decreased the number of reps, for some to 4 sets of 10, and for others 2 sets of 10, because when you row 15 km in 25 minutes, everything else becomes your cool-down.

Frustration

2009-09-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

Since getting my dress, I've been hyper-aware of my appearance. Every time I look into the mirror I see something that needs to be taken care of: complexion issues (it's that time where I have blackheads and pimples), eyebrow hair that needs to be plucked, and skin that's not as glow-y as it used to be. It's like I think that the wedding is going to ambush me, kind of like the people from "what not to wear", only a bunch of people yelling "time to walk down the aisle!". So I guess it'd be closer to an Apache attack than a makeover show.

While most of these are easy fixes (start doing a weekly face mask again, drink lots of water, find my tweezers), there are other, more nagging wants of mine: I want my arms to stop looking like tubes and start looking muscular. I want my abs to be more defined (they're flat, and the top two are super visible, but as all you can see of the rest is the shadow of obliques and more of the muscle "sheet", those top bits look like tumors, at least to me), and I want my legs to be stronger, although for the first time in years I'm happy with the way they look.

And I'm not sure how to get there: I've been weight-training and eating right. I'm not ready to cut out the carbs that I enjoy (whole grains, fruits, chocolate, and veggies).I have been eating fairly well, although there have been a number of times where I'll be reading, then look up and realize it's almost time for dinner and I haven't had lunch yet (I started setting my phone to go off at lunch time if I start reading before then). I'm tempted to look into the diets of fitness competitors, and set guidelines that reflect those diets (once I remove any non-vitamin pills from it), but I'm not sure how I'll do following a strict diet voluntarily (and the diet better allow room for cake).

The silver lining is that there was once a time when I'd have allowed people to file down my bones if it'd make me thinner (although I didn't think of it at the time), so at least wanting to be stronger and more muscular is in the "things that make me eat a lot of healthy stuff" category.

Dropping in

2009-08-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't update on Friday because I had to wake up earlier than I wanted to catch a train to go to my parents', so that my mom and I could go wedding dress shopping. And yes, I found the dress. Then on Saturday, BK and I talked to photographers, and on Sunday we started playing around with save the dates (I made a really great one that BK nixed because we were dressed up in the picture, but we're working on another).

So why is this going here instead of on my wedding blog? Two reasons. One: No one really reads the other blog, so if I did post there, I'd essentially go a while without posting here. Two: planning and thinking about the wedding has been making me think about how I look, and what I'd like to change. Also, I was in my underwear in a dressing room with a stranger (the awesome bridal consultant who gave her honest opinion on every dress I tried on.), and wasn't consumed with freaking out about anything that jiggled or squished.

I have noticed that I'm much calmer and better able to deal with traveling (less healthy food choices, being too tired to work out) when I've eaten cleanly and worked out during the week before the trip.

I've also applied to more jobs. Right now, I'm most psyched about a job working for a company that has an on-campus gym and jogging trails (which I'd walk on), and would put me on the project-management path. Also, I called Whole Foods and was told they'd call me if they liked my application, so I'm not too hopeful about landing that.

A Tricia-Workout

2009-08-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

BK's sister is coming to visit, so I thought I'd write a post before she got here, so that I'm not thinking about the blog while she's here, but then I realized that I wasn't sure what to write.

So I'm posting my workout from yesterday (let me know if you like it, and I'll post more).

25 Push-ups
25 Bent-over Rows (15 lbs. per hand)
25 Lateral Pulldowns (50 lbs.)
25 Bicep Curls (12.5 lbs per hand)
25 Dips
Row 5 Km. for time.

Do the whole circuit twice. It might not seem like a whole lot, but rowing saps my energy.

On a happier note, I rowed so hard that the rower inched its way up into the treadmill in front of it. On a weird note, someone hopped on the treadmill before I was done rowing, even though there were other treadmills open, and he had to walk across them to get to that treadmill, as the rower had started snuggling the treadmill.

That's Interesting

2009-08-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I've been fairly low simple carb. In the morning, I'll make a huge smoothie (usually about 600 Calories) and be set until I'm done training people and working out, then come home, stuff some simple carbs in my mouth (think a handful of goldfish) if I'm famished, and shower. Then I eat some oatmeal with fruit, have another whole grain at dinner (unless it's rice, because BK can't stand brown rice), and usually have some fruit with yogurt later if I get hungry.

Even on the weekends, I've been eating healthier, even if I haven't been great about the exercise part (really, I'd like to do some yoga on both days). But I still tend to eat junk food more on weekends than during the week. I also tend to feel less healthy, less alert, and more bloated on the weekends. For a while, I've been chalking it up to the fact that I don't exercise on the weekends, and it was just me feeling stagnant (it's my term for how I feel when I haven't worked out in a while). But I think I know what it is: peanut butter chocolate ice cream (PBCIC).

I found PBCIC in the grocery store, when I was craving something cold and reese's-like. It's been in my apartment, in one container or another, since then (about 3 weeks ago). I've been using portion control, either by taking a big tablespoon, and scooping out a big blob, then, while eating said blob off the spoon, putting the carton away and leaving the kitchen, or by putting the PBCIC into a wine glass. A little while after eating a wineglass serving of the stuff, I feel everything that I was contributing to stagnation, which makes sense because 2 days spent without working out shouldn't make me feel stagnant.

Before anyone points to a lactose issue, let me just say that I eat tons of dairy without having any problems. It's just the ice cream that makes me feel gross.

Also, I've applied for a job at a nearby Whole Foods, in the whole body department (supplements and shower gel type stuff) a few weeks ago. It's a management position, which means that I'd get to use my degree, and I really really want it. So if everyone could hope I at least get an interview, I'd really appreciate it.

Looking Pretty While Kicking Ass

2009-08-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

I started making a list of things that I want to do by Thanksgiving, and I've updated the thing in the margin to reflect that. If anyone wants to create their own goals, let me know in the comments (or e-mail me), and you'll get your own thing in my margin, meaning that every time you visit, there'll be your own little challenge. If you want, I'll even mock you in your margin, calling you out further.

I did a really intense workout on Wednesday (well, intense for me, it was 100 reps of 17 different exercises. It took 2 hours to complete, and I'm not sure why I did it, other than to say I did), and surprisingly, I'm not too sore. I can definitely feel all my muscles, but I'm not hobbling around and wincing and refusing to go up and down stairs (yes, I did once refuse to use stairs. Fortunately it was a weekend, as I'm on the top floor and there is no elevator). Also, stretching mildly sore muscles feels so good, I'm sure I'll stumble across a study that says it's bad for you (note: I haven't found such a study yet).

In other news, I got my best friend/maid of honor/gymnast/incredibly patient person to promise to try to teach me cartwheels and back walkovers, and unlike that time she tried to teach me how to play the piano and I refused to learn the notes, so we put post-its all over her piano (also, I kept saying "pianist"), I'm actually going to listen and try to do everything she tells me. And if she agrees, I'll try to get BK to tape it and post it here (my camera shoots video), although that won't be at least until Thanksgiving. I'll also post me trying to do a shoulder stand over the weekend if I can figure out how to post it here, and if BK agrees to shoot it.

I also have a suspicion that my inability to get my legs up is due partly to poor flexibility, so I'll be working on stretching more (I know it's good for me, I just never seem to do it, unless I'm yoga-ing). Plus, I feel like a good amount of future goals will be flexibility-based.

Now that the ass kicking part is over, I made a hair mask a while ago, but I'm not sure I posted the recipe, so here goes:

1 Banana
honey
olive oil
avocado (optional)

I used about 1/3 cup for the honey and olive oil, because my hair is crazy long (almost to the small of my back).

Put everything in the blender, and blend until there are no chunks left. Put all over your hair, from scalp to ends. If necessary, you can saran wrap your head to go about your life. After 10 minutes (you can leave it on for longer if you like), wash it out. Your hair should be moisturized and soft and shiny.

Fear

2009-08-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

When I was little (ish, maybe about 10), my mom signed me up for gymnastics with my sisters. It turns out, I was as bad at gymnastics as I am at ice skating, and 7 year olds routinely point and laugh at me when I do that. This was compounded by the fact that everyone else in the group was better than I was. In fact, had there been a less-experienced group, I probably would've been the worst one in that group too. My classmates made fun of me fairly constantly, however I don't blame them: I was awful. I do blame the instructor for giving up on teaching me.

There were times when she'd tell me it was impossible for me to still not be able to do forward rolls on the balance beam, or cartwheels, and a number of times on the trampoline and the uneven parallel bars, she'd try to skip over my turn, probably not wanting to waste the class's time while I struggled and performed horribly. On the rare occaision that there was a substitute, I'd usually be yelled at more, although I do remember a class where a sub saw that I was trying not to cry while working on forward rolls on the beam (this may have been the class where my mom told me she'd signed me up for another round of sessions), and came over to try to help. The advice he gave me was not to be afraid. At the time, I ignored that advice and chalked it up to not being good at athletic-y stuff. But in reality, I was pretty scared of falling off the beam and hurting my back on the forward rolls, or crashing into the floor headfirst during cartwheels and handstands.

Now, I'm working on inversions and arm balances in yoga. And funnily enough, I'm doing just as well with them as I did at gymnastics. But here's the thing: I've done enough athletic stuff to realize that it's not that I'm out of shape and bad at athletic stuff. I can do one-handed pushups and I can do pull ups and drag 25 pound weights across the floor in a plank position (obviously I walk forward on my hands, and drag the thing with my feet. Thanks to Charlotte for suggesting it). So my arms can handle my body's weight.

The problem is (a) not being sure how to balance that weight, and (b) being afraid of smashing my face into the floor. And here's the crazy part: once I recognized and admitted to myself that I was afraid, it was easier to keep trying. Yes, my fear-based instincts still stop me from kicking up into a shoulder stand (I've already pretty much eliminated it being a strength thing), as I kick up and use my core to get one leg up, I bring the other leg back to the ground to stop myself from falling.

So right now I'm a bit like Uma Thurman in the training scene of Kill Bill, where she hits the board over and over, but I'm okay with that.

New Goals

2009-08-17T04:47:00.000-07:00

A really long time ago, I mentioned here that I wanted to look like someone who can run for miles, lift twice her bodyweight, have perfect form in yoga, and kick some serious ass in a fight. And that's been my goal for about a year. But here's the thing: it was a stupid goal. It didn't provide much motivation, nor did it enable me to do any of those things. Because if you look at the words I chose to express those goals, it doesn't say that I wanted to be able to do any of those things, just look like I could.

And here's the thing: it's horrible motivation. Because eventually you get to a point where you look like you could do some of those things. But you can't actually do them. And there's nothing to lose: it's not like you just worked your way up to 20 conscutive pull ups, and now do 20 a day to maintain that goal. It's more like you never really reach those goals, because you've based them off of movies, and should never try to look like a celebrity.

So now I'm thinking of different goals. I can already lift 200% of my body weight on the leg press, although I googled it and I think I should be at 250%, which isn't a whole lot more weight, so I'll be keeping that goal in mind. I want to be able to do 10 consecutive pull ups, starting with my arms straight, coming up, then going all the way back down to straight arms (I can do 1.5 now). I want to get back the flexibility I lost, and I want to start doing more inversions.

I'll give updates every now and then, and eventually I'll update the thing in the margin, so that it better reflects my goals.

Owie & More Gym Etiquette

2009-08-14T04:57:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I went to the gym and completed a fairly challenging workout (I did 50 of a bunch of exercises, in 2 sets of 25). However, I also hurt my back. Yesterday when I woke up, I couldn't pick up my tea kettle normally without flinching. However, I've been icing and resting, and today, I plan on heating and doing some yoga, as my back feels much better, although it's a bit stiff. Now, I hurt my back doing bent-over rows, because I used a barbell and tried to get mommetum by rocking (I think that the barbell was relevent, as it's the first time I'd used a barbell for rows, and the first time I rocked).

Now, during my workout, I was constantly butting up against a guy who was an Equipment Hog. He would use a piece of equipment, then rest, then use it again. Which in itself is not a breach of Gym Etiquette, however this particular guy waited 5 minutes between sets, and stood right next to whatever equipment he was using, avoiding eye contact with everyone around him, making it difficult to ask to work in (or in my case, use the pull-up bar to work on burpees and pulling upwards), although he was very nice about moving away from the cable, so I could do my 5 burpees with a pulling action (cause I can only do about 2 real burpee pull-ups). He just made it really difficult to approach him.

So when the last 10 exercises needed to be done, I noticed he was using the weights I needed for upright rowing. So I rowed 1000 meters for time (2:30, but that's because the stationary rower started moving forwards, and I wanted to keep going, but not crash into the treadmill in front of me, so I did slow down a bit. My first time it took 1:19), then did the other 9 exercises. And the guy was still doing the same thing with the weights I needed (about 20 minutes later, as I was doing 25 reps, and some were for my obliques, so I had to do 25 reps per side). And I felt bad asking to work in on a pair of free weights, so I grabbed a barbell, and added weight to it to make sure that it'd be the same as two dumbbells, and hurt my back.

Now, should I have asked to use the weights? Yeah, probably. But should he have been re-raking the dumbbells after each set if he knew that he'd be taking a longer break? I think so.

Getting Stronger

2009-08-12T05:24:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I have no idea if I'm actually getting stronger, I haven't tested myself in a long time.

On Monday, I was at the gym, and decided to *try* and see if I could do burpee pull-ups. One day I hope to be like this guy (you want to click the link) although ironically enough I found the link when trying to show a friend what they looked like.

Did I do one? Yes, actually I did two (not in a row). I also did another 12 where I jumped, grabbed the bar and pulled upwards. Then the front desk person wanted to see, so I did one more.

Also on Monday, I wanted to se how much I could leg press, having never leg pressed before. So I hopped in and started moving the weight pin around. I got to 235 before deciding that if I went any higher, I'd give myself a hemorrhoid, and stopped. I'm not sure if that's good or not, but it's about 200% of my body weight so I'm pretty jazzed about it.

My smoothies have become a part of my life. I made one yesterday that had yogurt, iced green tea (I have heard things from Women's Health claiming that green tea's antioxidants degrade as it cools, but I've also heard that when the tea changes from green to brown, it has oxidized. In either case, the tea I used had been in the fridge for about a week, but was still green), a banana, frozen berries, frozen broccoli, spinach, peanut butter, and protein powder. So my smoothie has about 30 grams of protein, 2 servings of fruit, 2 servings of vegetables, some calcium, good bacteria, and healthy fat.

Now, it was 6 cups, and 620 Calories, so not something you'd want at every meal (although I used it as a meal and a snack), but it's also not something that you could drink in one sitting (did I mention that it was 6 cups?).

Multitasking

2009-08-09T11:43:00.001-07:00

BK and I went ice skating on Saturday, and I worked on stopping. And by "worked on stopping", I mean I tried to actually stop, not just turn left or fall. Although that seems to be what I do when I try to stop.

On Sunday, I watched TV while reading and working on wedding plans because I was incredibly restless (drank a huge mug of coffee. It was half-caf, but I was still pretty wired), when I realized that I wanted to work on my pull/chin-ups. Now, I have a pull-up bar in my apartment, but no real way to work on negatives or assisted pull/chin ups (the bar is too high unless I jump, and I'd prefer not to do it that way, and I don't have exercise bands). However, I can do at least one pull and one chin-up (I also keep my legs in an L sit to work my abs).

On the commercials, I headed over to the bar, and do one pull-up and one chin-up per commercial. Then I went back to wedding planning/reading. Now, I didn't do this enough during the shows for it to warrant a *real* workout, but it was enough to (a) keep me in a fitness-y mindset during a "rest" day (thus keeping me from eating the spoonful of icing I wanted) and (b) remind me of a non-appearance related goal.

On another, more productive note, I've thought about the 100 workout I did, and I think that the simplest thing for me right now is to come up with 5-10 exercises that I can do for my upper body one day and 5-10 more for my lower body, then do 100 reps of each exercise, in four sets of 25.

Adapting

2009-08-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the exercise part:

On Wednesday, I had planned to do the same DVD that kicked my butt. But I really really didn't want to. So I didn't. I did however, make a list of 12 exercises (lunges, squats, push-ups, leg raises, etc.) that would work every muscle I could think of, and did 100 of each. In sets of 25. It took about an hour to complete all of them. And yes, I'm still a bit sore.

Yesterday, I didn't want to do any of the yoga practices I had, nor did any of the ones on Comcast seem all that fun, so I did my own. After sun salutations, I decided I wanted tea, and while waiting for the kettle to boil, I did standing and balancing poses, then went back to my mat for stretching. The whole thing took about 20 minutes.

Today, I am still sore, so I'll be playing around with cardio (there are a number of dance things on demand, so I'm going to try a few. I'm going to look hilarious, as I have no rhythm, but no one will be able to see me), and trying some yoga sites.

One day over the weekend will be spent getting my longest plank and side plank times, and working on my pull-ups. The other day will be spent ice skating (provided the rink is open).

While that doesn't necessairly seem like a lot, keep in mind that I had 8 workouts last month. Right now, I'm trying to start slow and small-ish and build mommentum. After 20 workouts, I'll get a workout DVD.

Now for the food part:

I've been drinking smoothies for breakfast. On Wednesday, I had an Amy's broccoli pot pie and a shot glass of chocolate chips for lunch, and grilled chicken with peppers and onions and two Pillsbury crescents for dinner (you can re-oven them with some butter and they still taste pretty good). On Thursday, I had tuna on one slice of bread and 3/4 of a shot glass of chocolate chips. For diner, I had 3 slices of pizza with green peppers and a glass of wine (pinot noir, which I had because I wanted some pinot. And don't lecture me on the pizza, I love it and am completely aware that it isn't a health food, but if told I could be really cut only if I never ate pizza again, I'd resign myself to not being really cut).

For breakfast today I had a slice of pizza. I'll have my smoothie in an hour or two, and I haven't decided what I'll eat for lunch.

Changes

2009-08-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

I want to lower my body fat percentage by increasing my muscle mass. Now, I know that almost everyone has that goal, in one way or another, but for a while, I didn't. The silver lining about recovering from an ED was, that at that time, it was really easy for me to put on muscle, because (a) I was under nutritionist's orders to eat 90-100 grams of protein a day (which caused my mom to freak out and start worrying about my kidneys), and (b) despite refusing to give up ellipting 8 miles a day (my knees hate running, and now ache really quickly whenever I start running on a treadmill), I was still lifting with a workout DVD by Tamilee Webb (yes, the buns of steel lady, although the DVD I used also covered the arms and abs). Plus, I was dealing with living on almost nothing (and the stuff I did eat, my body tossed back. Before anyone tells me that vomiting was part of my ED, let me say now that it wasn't, and it was incredibly scary because I wasn't controlling it and it was for that reason I was seeing a nutritionist, who recommended all the protein first.), so most of my muscle mass had disappeared, making me skinny-fat.

For the last year, I've been making gains that, had I not had my ED, I probably would've already made. I've also learned to ignore the scale (unless the rising number is accompanied with tight pre-ED jeans). But my progress and definition has stalled, and I've been unmotivated, which translated into less time spent working out (in July, I think I worked out less than 10 times, including the vacation where BK and I walked everywhere and then went on a 7ish mile tandem bike ride), which means that while I don't think there's been any backsliding in terms of losing muscle, I also obviously made any gains, and I'm starting to feel self-conscious about how I look (which hasn't necessairly been the case in the past year, and I'm realizing that because I've been having bouts of self-doubts in that area, and feeling that it's not something I've felt in a while).

The good news is that, while I'm still a bit unsure what I need to do, beyond increasing my protein intake (once I kept the protein intake to 100 for three months, I wanted to see if I'd be okay on lower amounts of the stuff, which I was. After that, my muscle increases came more slowly. Also, when I was trying to get my protein in, I didn't ever think of junk food, as it contains no protein), and lifting more regularly, I know that those two should help me greatly. And I already have a plan to get time going. First off, BK and I bought a blender, and I've been making myself fruit and yogurt smoothies (with 8 ounces of green tea. I'm not sure if dairy is bad for the antioxidants in green tea, but frankly, I don't really care as I don't enjoy the smoothies with 8 ounces of water as much), and this morning I made one with a scoop of protein powder. By the time I start lifting (in about 2-3 hours), my body should be able to access the extra protein, and when the lifting session is over, I'll already have some digested protein to help the recovery (if this is hokum, please let me continue to believe it, as if it isn't true, then I'm benefitting from a placebo effect).

Further for lifting/working out, I've decided to do workout DVDs this month and see if that helps (frankly, I feel like Jillian Michaels threw down a challenge when she indicated that heavier weights would be a crazy choice for her No More Trouble Zones workout, and as I got through 37 of 56 minutes, my goal for August/September is to do that workout with my 10 pound weights), because I'm honestly sick of writing down every exercise of every workout I do. I'm still going to do traditional cardio for a few days (even though some people say it's bad if you want to build muscle), and I'm definitely going to continue with yoga (stretching sore muscles feels so good, I can't believe that I stopped doing yoga on recovery days), but really, I'd like more muscle right now.

Workout DVDs: Jillian Michaels Edition (Part 1)

2009-07-31T04:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, I know I'm late in doing the whole Jillian Michaels DVD party. But on Tuesday I did No More Trouble Zones (the long version). Well part of it anyway. I kind of died 37 minutes into it. But I was only 22 minutes short of the entire session, so I think I'm okay with keeping my thoughts to the parts I did, and not the parts I refused to watch out of pride and stubbornness.

First off, I don't think I'll ever like Ms. Michaels. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate her. But I am going to love what her DVD will do for me, and had she not created the No More Trouble Zones DVD, think I might have liked her. She certainly seemed nice enough and was motivating. But man, that workout was tough.

Part of the workout's hardness can be attributed to the fact that I only have one set of dumbbells at home, and they're 10 lbs. Part of the way through the workout, Ms. Michaels mentions that the weights she's using are only 3 lbs, but says that while she can lift more weight, she is doing the particular exercise (in this case, bicep curls), for 5 minutes straight, and therefore picked a lighter weight. Which explains why I was having such a hard time with my 10 pound weights (although I did manage to improvise with the weights in my jomp rope's handles, which are removable. But I basically used the 10 pounds until I reached failure, then grabbed the 1 pound weights and kept going, and as soon as I felt better, grabbed the 10 pounds again).

This was also the first time that I've sweated so profusely during a DVD. While some of that was definitely from it being summer and therefore hot (although the air conditioning was on, I forgot to turn on the fans so I'd get a breeze), I soaked the mat I was using so much that for some of the mat work, I had to use the floor or risk slipping. It was definitely a good workout, and I plan on doing it again.

That said, I've complained here before that I never seem to get DOMS in my "core". Well, I was sore on Wednesday and Thursday from my shoulders to my thighs, so no more complaining about that again. On the bright side, while my muscles were "talking" to me, they weren't screaming, and I was able to go about my day and do cardio (on Wednesday) and yoga yesterday. And the yoga felt really good.

Tomorrow, BK and I are going rock climbing, so I won't be lifting, but yoga sounds perfect for today. Anyone else have fun weekend plans?

Starting Over

2009-07-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Every fitness magazine will tell you to work out regularly, and to go to the gym often and mark those days on a calendar to motivate yourself. They'll tell you to never fully skip a workout and to never ever keep junk food in your home. The people that follow such tips are, in my mind, either super-neurotically dedicated, or eating disordered. And have never experienced the joy of dessert hybrids (Like genetically modified plant hybrids, except dessert hybrids don't pretend to be good for you. Some people have grapples, I have brownie cookies. And no idea how to merge those two words so that they don't sound like I eat raccoons or broken objects). Although that might be a good thing, because dessert hybrids can be exponentially more addictive than regular desserts.

But what if you go on vacation for a week, and spend another week nursing your sinuses? What if your fiance points out a display of brownie cookies that are located in the PRODUCE section (whatever evil genius put them there should be the next Bond villian) when you're PMSing?
My answer: give yourself a day or two to eat whatever you want, and lay off the exercise until you're feeling better (when my sinuses hurt, I can't function well. Strangely enough I can function extremely well with a stomach flu as long as I don't eat).

But then, your mommentum will be lost and it'll feel like you're staring over from square 1. You'll be frustrated in the gym because you won't be able to lift as much, your lungs will spew mucus when you start cardio, and you'll long for junk food. The trick is to remind yourself of your goals (whatever they are) and start slow. For example, if you pick up weights that are 5 pounds lighter than usual, you won't feel that you've lost strength as much as if you picked up your usual weights and realized that they were too heavy. Alternatively, you could pop in a workout tape/DVD and promise yourself you'll get through it. Bonus points if it's one you haven't done before (thank you Comcast and Hulu), because then you'll have no idea how good you would have done had you given yourself a break.

Gym Etiquette: Don't Be An Entitled Jerk

2009-07-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned on here that I'm working as a personal trainer right now (and applying to other jobs as I went from not loving it to HATING it really fast), and there are a few instances of raging cases of entitlement that, are still making me upset/angry when I think about them, and as no one usually expects me to post real stuff here on Tuesdays, I'm going to use that to my advantage and rant a bit. All of this is from the perspective of a personal trainer, and things that should not be assumed when dealing with them.

Yes I work here. No, you don't pay me. The personal trainers at most gyms are independent contractors. That means they get paid if and when they train clients. Their clients pay for the training, and the trainer's pay is part of the training cost. Meaning: Unless you have an appointment, the trainer owes you nothing (and if you have an appointment, the trainer only owes you what the appointment encompasses, whether that's an assessment or a workout).
Any equipment I bring to the gym is MINE. Yeah, some trainers have some pretty cool exercise gear. Thing is, they paid for it. Just because you happen to be working out when they do does not allow you to "work in" with their kettlebells, TRX, etc. Also, when you do borrow something without asking, don't get huffy because I'm pissed that my stuff wasn't where I left it. Apologize, put it back, and leave it alone. Also, don't get pissed if I refuse to show you how to use something of mine: that's actually training, and if you get hurt and sue me, my insurance won't cover me.
Anything else I bring to the gym is MINE. I can't believe that I have to say this but: Do not flip through the composition notebook I use to track my workouts to get ideas for your own workouts. Don't rip pages out of it because that workout shows up more than once. Don't rip clean pages out because you need something to write on because your boss just called with something for you. Don't try to argue that since you pay me (see #1), you paid for that notebook.
Understand that I may not have time to train you. It's rare, but it sometimes happens that the trainer is too busy at the momment to take on another client (this usually happens around midterms and finals for me). If the situation is temporary, and I expect my schedule to open up, I'll tell you. If I'm trying to avoid taking on more clients because I'm looking for another job, I'll refer you to another trainer. It's never personal.
I am not your secretary. If there's a sign-up sheet posted for a trainer, and you sign up for a certain time, then decide you want another appointment time, go to the gym and change the sheet yourself. Don't call the trainer and ask him/her for that time, knowing that someone else may already have signed up.
Don't ask for special treatment. If you want a certain trainer to do your assessment, and he/she is not available at that time, do not think that by calling him/her that will change. Depending on the gym's compensation structure, trainers might not be paid to perform assessments. Asking them to rearrange their schedule to better fit yours when they are not compensated to do so is asinine.
Use common sense. If you ARE going to call and ask the trainer to rearrange their schedule to better fit yours, do so at a time you would like to be called. Don't call at 6 a.m. on a Sunday, then get upset that he/she woke up and took your call without recognizing the number because you wanted to leave a message and have them call you back. At 6 a.m. on a Sunday, if I don't recognize the number, I'm thinking it's a hospital, and I don't appreciate your being upset that I answered my phone.
Give me 24 hours to schedule you. If you see that a trainer has a sign-up sheet posted, understand that the gym posted it. And depending on who decided that those times worked for the trainer, they may not be feasible (a new client could have just asked the trainer to train them at a certain time). Do not sign up at 7 p.m. for an early-morning time the next day. Also, don't write in times that work for you and expect me to magically show up (see # 6).
Don't assume that an appointment is made without ever contacting the trainer. If you sign up for anything via e-mail or phone, and the trainer never replies to either, you do not have an appointment. If you try to argue that you left a voicemail, and then find out that you left the message on a wrong number, that isn't the trainer's fault. You do not get to demand an appointment on the spot because you "made an appointment" the night before, on someone else's voicemail, and then the trainer didn't show up. Also, see #5.
If I'm covering for the front desk person, don't use that as a way to score free training. The front-desk position has a bunch of stuff to do. If I was called in to cover for the front desk, rest assured that I have enough to do without your hitting me up for free training advice. If I look bored, feel free to start a conversation, but don't interrupt me when I'm trying to perform front desk duties.
Just because I work there does not make me the janitor. Oh, you bought a protein drink from the vending machine and the top popped off and ruptured the container and it's spilling all over the machine. I'm conducting a TRAINING APPOINTMENT. Do not interrupt it expecting me to clean up after you and get you a drink out of the vending machine just because I have access to the keys that enable me to open said vending machine. Especially if you've been complaining about the top popping off your protein drink for the past 6 months and it never once crossed your mind to buy your protein drinks in the store and keep them in your fridge at home. Don't talk about the laws of physics in relation to vending machine dispensed protein drinks expecting to "enlighten" the front desk people when the protein drinks only fit on one shelf (thanks to varying heights of water, gatorade, and protein bars), and they need the permission of the owner to rearrange things.
Don't threaten to call the owner. I actually know the owner, and talk to him fairly regularly. If I upset you by refusing to go above and beyond my duties as a trainer, threatening to get the owner involved won't help your case.
No you can't get me fired. Yes, as a gym member you do pay a certain amount to the gym each month. As a trainer, I bring in much more per month than your membership fee. In addition, if the gym fires me, they have to pay my clients back for any sessions left on their training contracts. If I quit, the gym has to pay my clients back for any sessions left on their training contracts. If you demand "extras" (by way of free training appointments, help picking the right sports bra, or a date) because you can get me fired, I'm going to laugh in your face. The only way I can get fired is if (a) the gym closes, (b) I do something illegal, (c) I do something in violation of the contract I signed with the owner (or manager). If you decide to try to get me fired (a) most gyms have security cameras and/or witnesses to anything you do, (b) if you irritate me enough, I may talk to the owner about it, and let him deal with it and (c) the owner may decide that your membership fee isn't worth it, and terminate your contract. Yes, gyms CAN do that.

What I Learned Last Week

2009-07-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

Last week, I felt terrible and didn't work out at all (unless a minute and a half on the rowing machine counts, which to me, it doesn't). However, I drank a lot of tea and rested and took the time to clean up my eating habits slightly (I'm hormonal right now, so it's be a complete lie to say that my eating habits are entirely clean, unless chocolate chips suddenly become part of clean eating). Doing so, I realized several things about myself and how my body handles different things.

Before we went on our trip, BK picked me up some sugarfree fudgescicles. And they tasted great and were only 40 Calories a pop. I ate two a day. And then got a big throbbing pimple on both my cheeks. And while I know that you don't ever touch a zit, let alone pick or squeeze at it, one was positioned so that I could almost see it when I was reading (if the book was on my lap). And yes, I would mindlessly squeeze it, hoping it'd be gone by the trip (it wasn't. Although it's not as bad as I thought it'd be in the pictures). The one I couldn't see, and therefore left alone, went away about a week faster than the one I saw and picked at.

Since getting back, I've been resisting giving up real sugar. Part of me always thought that it was a bad move on my part, as there's no such thing as a free lunch and I do not believe that you can have something chemically made that's multiple times sweeter than sugar but has no Calories and does nothing bad to your body in some way. Besides, I only use sugar to bake, and frankly, if there's no sugar or Calories in something indulgent, it ceases to be indulgent to me, and I'll just eat lots of it. So besides the stevia in my coffee (half decaf, half not), I decided to just eat the sugar and know I'm eating sugar (and I may add sugar to my coffee when I run out of stevia, as I can't get used to the aftertaste).

Since giving up the sugar substitutes, my skin cleared up dramatically. While I know that it's only been about two weeks into not eating/drinking them, I am hormonal and should be breaking out a little, but am not. So maybe for me, real sugar works better than fake sugar.

Sick

2009-07-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't worked out since I got back. I have however, felt awful. Given that I felt just as bad after getting to BK's parents' house (we flew), I began to wonder if my sinuses get screwed up when I fly (I'm congested, with a runny nose, sore throat, and a headache. Oh, and I've coughed so much and so hard that it's physically painful. But I did get a decent about of phlegm out of me. TMI?). So I called my mom to let her know that I was sick so that we could reschedule futher shopping trips (we had one this weekend. BK stopped me from buying the train ticket because, I'd be miserable and I'd make everyone else miserable too. Which, being true, made me reconsider pushing on. And at this point, it's obvious that BK and I are perfectly aware of each others' flaws.), and asked her what she thought (mom travels more than I do), and she told me I needed to drink lots of water when I travel, which I hadn't done.

So I'm sick because I didn't stay hydrated while traveling. Despite not working out, I have been eating better (I started trying to eat cleaner before the trip, then put that on hold because the restaurant of the hotel we stayed at was a 5 star restaurant, and I'm not passing up the "breakfast and dinner" meal plan there to walk into town to try to find healthier options. Plus, I did get eggs for breakfast), so I'm hoping that after my sinuses clear up, I'll feel a lot better. I'm also using the free time that I usually did stuff like cleaning and grocery shopping and laundry but now am using to rest to do some reading (I finished all the books I picked up at the library for the trip except the complete works of William Shakespeare, so I've got that to keep me occupied).

Further, I've been going through the archives of some fitness blogs, and between that and the "Athlete" bath salts that I found at the grocery store (and which I will get when I've worked out consistently for at least two weeks, if not a month), I really want to start working out ASAP (I might try a gentle yoga session, and see how that goes). Time to take some cold medecine.

Home

2009-07-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

I'm back. My holiday was great, and as there were a number of things that apply to health, fitness, and diet, I'm posting about it.

BK and I flew out to visit his family. Eating-wise, it was difficult. I wasn't feeling well, and wasn't comfortable eating by myself, so I had to wait until BK (who is not a breakfast person) was hungry until I ate (I fully recognize that I could have eaten, but I'm going to point out that sanity isn't always my strong point). However, before we headed out for a holiday with BK's family, I was feeling poorly enough that I wanted to take cold medicine, and to do that I had to eat breakfast (one of my rules is that I don't take anything on an empty stomach).

BK's family, BK, and I went to Mackinac Island, and stayed in the Grand Hotel. It was awesome. The rooms weren't super-great, but the food was amazing. And I ate to my heart's content. Danishes, croissants, muffins, eggs, potatoes gratin, bacon, desserts, alcohol, soda, soups, fish, duck, lobster, fudge, ice cream and coffee, made my diet. And they were all delicious (except the soda, which was used as a mixer) and I didn't once think about how bad anything was for me. In fact, because there are no cars allowed on the Island, I knew that I'd be walking around, and didn't stress. Also, breakfast and dinner were the only meals provided by the hotel, and we found that the breakfasts were substantial enought that we weren't hungry until dinnertime.

There also was a limited choice of what to eat. For example, at dinner, there were 4 possible appetizers, 3 soups, 1 salad, 5 entrees (one of which was vegetarian), and 7 dessert choices (although one was ice cream, and there were about 7 flavors of ice cream to choose from). As a result, I didn't stop and think how healthy or unhealthy each thing was, and just ordered what sounded good. Further, the food was appropriately portioned, in that each course was a serving of what was ordered (not two or three servings on one plate).

As for exercise, BK and I walked into town and wandered around the first day we were there. On the second day, we biked around the island (a little over 7 miles). We also wandered around the hotel randomly. I know that I'm a bit squishier than when I left, but am also going to admit that I haven't been working out that much this month, and I think that a lot of the new squish is from not using my muscles that much.

I'm off to do laundry and clear my e-mail in-box.

Vacation

2009-07-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

Today, BK and I are leaving to visit his parents. I'm actually really excited for it, as it's the first time we're seeing them since we got engaged, plus his mom and I have plans to do yoga.

I'll be back on Tuesday.

Wedding Pressure

2009-07-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

I understand that it's hard enough for the average person to be happy with how he/she looks in general, but for brides-to-be, it's definitely increased. I know this because, while I do admit that I have had problems with my appearance in the past, right now, I'm pretty much at peace with it. I can eat junk food on weekends and not stress about it, but about 90% of the time, I eat healthy.

That said, I'm not happy with how my arms look, and while it shouldn't bother me (and for the most part it doesn't), I'd like them to look more toned for the wedding (which should be do-able, as I've got a year to go). And my first outing went really well: I didn't find a dress, but none of the samples fit, as they were all too small (I have no idea how the store selected samples though, as one dress's sample was a size 14, while others were size 6. It seemed like it'd be more reasonable to have a small, medium, and larger size in each dress, rather than whatever weird system the store did). But I was a bit irritated by the fact that the saleslady kept making comments about my body, even if they were good comments.

But, it seems like there's a ton of junk diet/pill/exercise plans (Try 45 minutes of cardio! Then lift weights for 45 minutes! But not too heavy, you don't want to bulk up! Then do 45 more minutes of cardio! And make sure to do it in the morning, before eating ANYTHING, because then it'll burn fat!*) aimed at looking right on the walk down the aisle. And a lot of them are dangerous.

Take, for example, the "Introduction to Detoxing" information sheet that can only be accessed by signing up for a certain wedding site. Meaning that only people involved in a wedding enough to register for a wedding planning web site (although registration is free, but you have to provide a mailing address) can read the article. It talked about only eating fruit, then only drinking fruit juices, then just water and tea and fiber pills (you could pick one program, or do all of them in progression). Further, to enhance the benefits, you could work out in plastic suits and chill in saunas. All while consuming water, tea, juice, and/or fruit. While the article does note that the detox plan shouldn't be followed for more than one week, it also states that the plan could be used as part of a cycle: eating normally for a week, then fruit for a week, then water/tea/fiber for a week, then eating normally for a week, and repeat.

And somehow, despite the obvious things that could go wrong on a "plan" like that, and the fact that I couldn't find anything on the web site that would indicate that the author has any authority to disseminate such information (I looked all over the site, and couldn't find anything that said the author was a certified personal trainer, dietician/nutritionist, doctor, or anything. I even googled the woman and got nothing.), the wedding web site has not only published it, but it lives in the "get healthy" area of the site.

*That was an exercise plan that was recommended as part of detoxing. For the love of shiny objects, ask your doctor before doing something that strenuous and potentially damaging. And listen to your body: if you feel like you're about to puke or pass out, stop working out.

Aaah!

2009-07-10T05:54:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, I'm starting wedding dress shopping. My mom, a sister, and my maid of honor are coming with me. As a result, today will be spent cleaning, baking, and yoga-ing. Why? Well because my apartment's a mess and I'd like a range of healthy and unhealthy snacks to offer them. And because after the shopping, I might really need a cookie.

I'm terrified. My last trip to the store was triggering enough, and there's a decent amount of anxiety associated with trying on the wedding dress in general. And due to a decent amount of stress/fatigue in the face of stress, I haven't worked out in the past two days (which is not necessairly a bad thing, I was just hoping to build some mommentum).

However, I'm doing my best to deal with it in a healthy way. I'm going to do yoga, as it helps me chill out. I'm also indulging my desire for something warm and bad for me (my requirements for comfort food), by eating an Amy's broccoli pot pie (so not exactly bad for me, but warm and cheesy), and brewing lots and lots of tea. I'm also more or less giving myself carte blanche on how much I work out today, provided I stick mainly to yoga and can get everything else done. Then BK and I will be heading to the gym for a half hour of cardio (I'm going to try to run again, as I haven't in a couple years, due to knee pain), followed to a trip to the grocery store to pick up other food for the people coming over.

I predict that this weekend I'll be taking lots of deep, calming breaths. What are your plans?

Yoga and my Holiday

2009-07-08T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been sticking to my plan about getting my flexibility back. At the very least, each day I'll grab my yoga strap and spend 15 minutes or so stretching. It feels a bit weird to be using a strap, but for some stretches, it makes the whole thing less frustrating.

On Monday I tried the same yoga fusion thing that killed me. It killed me again, although I lasted 10 minutes longer than I did last week. Even better, on Tuesday, I tried the hardest DVD I had (the killer yoga stuff being from Comcast), and I did get sweaty (the air conditioning in our living room is dying), and parts of it weren't fun, but I got through the entire DVD without any real fatigue in my arms, which leads me to believe that my yoga muscles are fine, although they are pretty non-bendy right now. I did however, possibly fall asleep on my mat during the deep relaxation pose (aka lying on your back with your eyes closed, trying not to think about anything), although I'm not sure, because the DVD I use ends when you've got your eyes closed, and without telling you it's ended (my one gripe about it).

Over the 4th, BK and I got up at 5 a.m. to visit my parents, and I pretty much accepted that I'd have little to no control over my food that day, as evidenced by my choice of breakfast: coffee and a donut (we stopped at Dunkin' Donuts). I wasn't a fan of the coffee (but then, I really only like coffee I make), but I hadn't had a donut in about 2 years, and it was pretty tasty. The problem was that once the sugar and caffeine were ingested, I became so energetic that BK probably fantasized about throwing me into oncoming traffic, as we were still in a car.

I did try to make healthier choices while I was there, but I also didn't let it bother me, as it was a once a year thing. Further, when presented with a dinner that I didn't want (angel hair pasta aka the pasta that no matter how much of it you eat, will always look like you haven't taken a bite), I took a bit (about three bites' worth), so as not to be rude, while telling myself that we'd stop and I'd get something I liked better on the way home (rather than take what I thought was a reasonable amount, only to realize later that I'd taken too much, as I was full, but there was still so much pasta on my plate that it looked like I hadn't eaten anything. which for some reason is a trigger for me), when my Mom and sisters noticed, and before anyone could insinuate the ED that they've never acknowledged, I asked for some Greek yogurt, and everything was fine.

And I never thought twice about that donut.

How Bad is Sugar?

2009-07-06T04:05:00.000-07:00

Over the holiday, BK and I drove a lot, and at the places we stopped, I noticed a lot of things were either labeled "sugarless" or "sugarfree", and that those items were pricier than their sugar-containing counterparts. This made me think, and while I'm not qualified to give nutrition advice, I did want to write my thoughts on the subject. I understand that with stevia and splenda and whatever other fake sweeteners there are that don't apparently cause cancer, there is a market for people who want to eat their cake and not see it on their thighs. But on some bags, the sugarfree stuff had more Calories than the sugared versions.

Now, when we eat something that tastes sweet, our pancreas gets a signal to release insulin to deal with the sugar that's going to be entering the bloodstream. If the sugar arrives, the insulin takes it out of the bloodstream and use it. If no sugar arrives, the insulin that's already out needs a place to go, and we'll begin craving something sweet, so that we eat sugar and the insulin can do the job it was released to do. Now, most people already know about what happens when you consume sugar. The shortened version is that every time you eat sugar, you set off a complex process that takes care of the sugar. Eventually though, the insulin gets tired and doesn't do it's job correctly, and it takes more and more insulin to get rid of the sugar in your blood. This is insulin resistance. When we eat large amounts of sugar, we'll get a blood sugar spike, lots of insulin will take care of the sugar, and we'll crash, and want more sugar. If you repeat this pattern enough, you'll end up insulin resistant.

Now, if one were to cut out all sugars, you would end up excluding fruits and some vegetables (carrots, for example, have a lot of natural sugar), which is stupid, because both offer amazing benefits. Further, you'd make yourself crazy at restaurants.

I realize that this may be unpopular, but to me (the person who isn't qualified to give nutrition advice), it's better to cut out artificial processed junk first, and then look at the amount of sugar that you're consuming, and try to cut back without replacing it with an artificial sweetener. Or, if you can't get rid of all the processed junk (like the 60 Calorie fudgesicles that satisfy my chocolate craving prefectly), minimize it, and then look at the amount of sugar you eat, and then try to cut down, one area at a time.

When cutting back on the sugar, take a look at your lifestyle. If you love running and are training for a marathon, you might need simple sugars to get you through the training sessions. If, however, you spend about an hour in the gym and lead a fairly sedentary lifestyle, and would classify your workouts as "moderate", you might not need simple sugars at all, and could minimize them.

Making Some Changes

2009-07-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

I've been making a point to at least do some sun salutations every day. Right now, I think that I'm going to lift weights and do pilates twice a week, do cardio with BK, and then do yoga as often as possible (I love that I can do a more intense practice one day, and pair it with a gentler, slower paced practice the other). We're also going to try to go rock climbing more, but the gym is so far away that it's unlikely that we'll go more than once every other week.

I'm also making changes to my nutrition. Nothing too big, but I am trying to eat fewer refined carbs, partially because they do not help me feel full for longer than half an hour, and partially because on days where I've had more refined carbs, I feel bloated (TMI?).

As far as this blog goes, it may take more of a journal feel, as I'd like to start documenting my attempts to cook, and I'd like to toss the bridal blog and just post about that here. I'll try to post at least Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but I may post more frequently.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Calming Down

2009-07-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I just finished showering after yoga, and I think it's safe to say that I've snapped out of my triggered mode. I also think that I knew that what I was doing these past few months wasn't totally great for me, in that I haven't done yoga since Christmas (any mention of planning on doing it was pretty much a lie, as it never panned out). These past few weeks, I've noticed that I've become less flexible, which sucked, as I'd been proud of it.

The thing is, I'd told myself that I wanted to hit all these strength goals before moving forward with the flexibility ones, and after I was strong and bendy, I'd work on being fast (although I did do cardio, and have been forcing myself to do it more regularly). And as I hadn't hit my strength goals, I didn't want to "waste time" with yoga. It also doesn't help that a certain hack has been sending out weekly "advice" e-mails, and yoga is one of the topics that he wrote off (in addition to distance cardio and vitamin waters), saying that it was fine for developing flexibility, but otherwise useless.

What finally pulled my out of that slump was a site I've been a lurker off and on (but now on), Heather Eats Almond Butter. Heather's been doing yoga and talking about the burn afterwards, and frankly, I've got a huge girl crush on her, although I kind of hate her for having a HeatDish to do her fermenting in.

Anyway, I tried a 45 minute practice off of Comcast's Exercise TV On Demand, and failed miserably. The first few minutes were planks and side planks, with a push up to transition from one side to the other, and frankly, my shoulders gave out during the first downward facing dog to plank movement. I dealt with it for a few more minutes, but ultimately turned it off and showered. I'm trying it again tomorrow (as I feel like it's taunting me), and hopefully everything will go okay.

I think that, with trying to focus on muscle strength, I completely forgot about muscle endurance, and beyond the push-up and all it's variations (besides handstand. When my feet go over my head and I push up, my eyeballs feel like they're going to pop out of my head), dips, and chin/pull-ups, I haven't really done any bodyweight upper body exercises. And I certainly haven't done any of those for an extended period of time. Also, I've noticed that my arms are LESS defined now than they were a year ago, despite my being able to lift heavier things. I'm hoping that this is because my shoulders, etc. were shrinking, as they were no longer being made to support my body's weight via downward facing dogs.

So there will be more yoga in my life.

Triggered

2009-06-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

After my birthday, I worked out more than usual. I made a point to do at least 10 minutes of rowing every time I was in the gym, with one exception, in addition to my usual workout schedule. When BK and I went to do some errands on Friday, we planned on going to Outback for dinner, and just doing appetizers and drinks.

Now, part of the errands included making some exchanges (BK's mom got me two awesome dresses from Urban Outfitters, but one didn't fit right), and that meant trying stuff on in the dressing room. Unfortunately for me, this particular dressing room was lit from below, which gave my butt a shadow and made it seem like there were lumps and craters that I'd never seen before. It also doesn't help that BK tried to spray-tan me when he was drunk, so my legs and butt weren't a uniform color to begin with. (Never use a spray tanner. You can't easily hold the can at a uniform distance from your body the entire time you're spraying yourself).

Instead of telling BK and asking if we could please go somewhere healthier for dinner, I just kept my mouth shut, as it's been over a month since we'd had any bar food, and we both like it. So we got to Outback and ordered a bloomin' onion and chicken quesadillas. And margaritas.

Now, I was hungry, and did eat. But first off, everything tasted less good than I'd remembered (possibly because the last time I ate at Outback, trans fats weren't banned), and I was painfully aware how many Calories I was consuming. Despite having had my workout already, and having plans to go rock climbing the next day (so much fun), I wanted to hit the gym at the apartment complex until it closed, and then maybe go to the 24 hour gym I work at.

And I haven't worked out yet this week (finals week), so I'm feeling extra icky. But I'll be working out today as study breaks (an hour of yoga, and Jillian Michael's the shred, courtesy of comcast), so hopefully I'll feel better. Further, I have been eating healthy, balanced, calorically fine meals and snacks.

Fake Tanning Tips

2009-06-29T04:18:00.000-07:00

My skin is about as pale as it gets. Seriously, you can my veins in a bunch of places where that's not cute. In the summer, I'm really self-concious about it, but also terrified of skin cancer (I check myself and BK's back and head regularly for any suspicious/changing moles. He hates it, but will put up with it for the head rub), so I use sunless tanner. I've been late starting it this year, but I realized that I've never done a post about it, and as I've been using the stuff for about 6 years, I have a number of tricks that I use to make the applications easier.

First off, a sunless tanner will provide no protection from the sun. Use sunscreen/sunblock unless you think that you'd look good with your "tan" peeling off, revealing sunburn underneath it. Also, I think I read somewhere that a study was done determining the reaction of fake tanner to the sun, and scientists found more free radicals on the skin of those with the fake tanner than those without it (applying a moisturizer with green tea after being in the sun can help get rid of free radicals on your skin's surface). But I can't find it to link to, so it very well could be a figment of my imagination (anyone have a link or know what I'm talking about?)

Now, there's one thing you need to be aware of if you are going to use sunless tanner and continue to work out: some tanner (or most of it, depending on how hard and long you work out) will sweat out of your pores. It won't stain anything, but if you're going to use the tanner and work out (which I do), you're going to need a towel to wipe the sweat/tanner off.

Beyond that, you need to make sure to exfoliate. It may not change how smoothly the application goes, but it will change how smoothly the tan will disappear from your skin. If you exfoliate a lot after using the tanner, the tan will go faster, but as you're getting rid of all your dead skin, there's a greater probability that it won't come off in streaks (if you haven't exfoliated and it starts patching off, hop in the shower and exfoliate).

In addition, some areas of skin (elbows, knees, bottoms of your feet, palms) are thicker than others and will absorb more tanner than you'd like, resulting in orange knees. To stop the "orange palms", wear gloves when you apply it. For your elbows, knees, and feet, put a bit of tanner on a makeup sponge, and apply it lightly (you can use this method for your entire body, but it'll take a while). Use this same method for your face, and blend into your hairline (a white scalp could mean you rock a ponytail or a hat when you're outside, but a white line where your face and hair meet is a dead giveaway). Also, use less on the insides of your arms, where you wouldn't get very tan naturally (although with the prevalence of tanning beds, no one will think twice if your outer and inner arms are the same color).

The tanner/sponge combination will also help you correct mistakes: use it to dab tanner over missed spots. If you've put too much lotion in some areas, and now you've got brown streaks or splotches, put whitening toothpaste on the area for a few minutes.

To help prevent mistakes, get a tanner that'll provide a bronzer, in addition to the sunless tanner. The bronzer goes on visibly right away (you'll wash it off in the shower later) and you'll be able to see it throughout the application, so your chances of ending up streaky will shrink. Also, keep in mind that most lotions containing the word "bronzer" or "bronze" on the front of the bottle, with no mention of a lasting tan may only be bronzers, meaning that you'll wash it off in your next shower (or sweat it off throughout the day), so you'll have to reapply every day (if you want people to think it's natural) or whenever you want a tan.

To help with the drying time, use a blow dryer. If you're worried about sweating the tanner out before the 2-4 hours recommended on the packaging (which should honestly be about 4-8 hours), use the cool setting. Yes, it'll feel weird. But it'll also work.

Finally, to prevent dyeing every fabric you touch before the tanner dries and sets (you can be dry, but if you start sweating before the stuff sets and makes you tan, it'll stain) and to deal with the smell, put the tanner on an hour or two before bed, and let it dry. Then put on either old pajamas that you don't care about (and you'll only stain the inside, unless you sweat profusely when you sleep), or black clothes (because they're already black, putting a non-bleach dyeing agent on that fabric won't do much). Then in the morning, shower as usual. You should be tan, and the smelly part should wash off.

Changing Careers (or trying to)

2009-06-26T04:16:00.000-07:00

This last week has been grating on me. Work's been okay, but there have also been a lot of mix-ups that my gym's owner has made (like putting a time that I'm not available to conduct fitness assessments on the sheet that members can sign up for them, then, when I remind him that I'm training in his gym at that time, he called the member back, but neglected to tell her that I'd changed my number and he hadn't bothered to order me new business cards, and just put out the cards with an incorrect phone number), which I've had to clean up (that member coming in after said training appointment, when I was in the middle of a workout, and screaming at me because I wasn't there at the time that the owner offered, and she accepted, on someone else's voicemail. She demanded that I stop what I was doing and conduct her fitness assessment right then and there, which I did, as she was making a scene). Or the time a client called the gym to cancel her training appointment and left a message with the front-desk person, who forgot to let me know.

Further, there have been a number of "dealing with the public" incidents that have just irritated me. And I've been starting to look for a job in the business world (no call-backs yet, but I've only recently started appliying). But now I'm not sure if my desire to go to grad school was based on a legitimate desire or not. Because I wanted to be a counseling psychologist, but the thought of dealing with people who have any more neuroses than the general public is making me want to curl into a ball. I also think I picked grad school because I can't continue to work at the gym I do without having an end date in sight.

The thought of working in a place where it's not okay for someone to touch you, or hit on you, or call you at all hours of the week or scream at you for a screw up that you had nothing to do with (besides daring to have an appointment already in place at a time someone else wanted you to do something for them), sounds a bit like heaven (also, I'm trying to get a job at the place BK works, as I've got a silly romantic vision of us driving into work and eating lunch together. Also, the company in question is freaking awesome to work for). If I go into business, I'm totally getting my MBA, but beyond that, I'm still not sure what I want to do (okay, I want to be a manager at BK's company. I've talked to a couple of them at BK's company holiday party, and although I wasn't looking at the time, I was interested in the stuff they talked about, and I thought they were nice enough, considering I wasn't an employee of that company, and kept interrupting to ask about the jargon they were using. There I said it. Now to get my foot in the door...:)

Substitutions

2009-06-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been playing with recipes for a bit now (I call it Food Name Roulette. For example, if I'm playing with a muffin recipe, it's Muffin Roulette), and I've got some rules of thumb (thumbs?) that seem to increase the odds of the recipe turning out how I want it to be. Because I don't have anything really good to post today, I'll list what I know.

Texture first. If you're planning on swapping out sugar, but don't want to do splenda, it may seem like a good idea to reach for the honey. However, that could go wrong. Honey is a "wet" ingredient and sugar is a "dry" one. If you still use the honey, you're going to have to cut back on another "wet" ingredient. Also, whole wheat flour and brown sugar are "heavier" than white flour and granulated sugar, so if that's the only substitution that you make, you may not be able to make a total substitution and keep the food as light and fluffy.
Taste next. Quick, what can be used in place of oil? If you answered "a banana", you're partially right. In reality, if the oil is a neutral flavor, and the recipe's taste is fairly delicate and/or neutral (think cakes and breads), that banana will overpower the recipe, and you'll end up with something banana flavored. Further, if you do substitute with splenda, make sure that you use less of it than you would of sugar, unless you want whatever you're baking to be sickeningly sweet (again, as you're using less of a "dry" ingredient, you might need to cut back on the "wet" ingredients).
Think about the recipe. If something's designed to be a dessert, unless it's in a diet-y cookbook, it's going to be bad for you. You can either accept that, and try to gradually make it healthier, or you can decide that you'll swap out everything, leaving you with something that wouldn't come close to the original.
Go Slow. Before you start swapping out ingredients, make the unhealthy recipe first. That way, you understand what the dough/batter should look like, and what it should taste like. If something looks off, you'll at least know that it looks off and can take steps to correct it.
Substitutions can go both ways. If you really want something yummy and healthy, you can always take your favorite healthy recipe, and add some unhealthy things to the mix. Usually, the results are pretty awesome (like the milk, oatmeal, cinnamon, & brown sugar I heated in the microwave, then added strawberries to), and a lot better than a recipe that you percieve as "decadent", but tastes healthy, and because you were expecting something decadent, you feel let down.

Oh Man....

2009-06-22T04:37:00.000-07:00

My birthday was pretty great (minus the schoolwork part), although I didn't get any yoga in, which stinks because it's been ages since I did real yoga (not just a few sun salutations and then light stretching, or meditation, which has been great at keeping wedding-planning crap from freaking me out too much). When BK came home from work, he didn't let me go into the kitchen, and then didn't let me go into the fridge. Although, when I was helping in the kitchen, we were talking, and he opened the fridge without warning, and I saw a bunch of happy faces before I turned around.

Turns out that in addition to champagne (we already had it in. A bottle of champagne means celebration, so it's a way of physically hoping for awesomeness), BK bought chocolate covered strawberries (my favorite), AND birthday cake. Which tasted awesome, but by then end of the night, I was feeling pretty gross from all the chocolate/sugar. Unfortunately, while BK bought the smallest cake he could find, it was still made to serve about 8 people. And he also just picked it up at the grocery store, and didn't check the ingredients. And HFCS was listed in about the #5 spot on the ingredients, with sugar, and white flour being #1 and #2.

That didn't stop me from eating it all over the weekend (there was a bunch of schoolwork involved). Now, my skin lookes gross and I feel a bit bloated. However, while I'm not proud of eating a cake in a weekend, I am proud of the fact that when BK asked if I wanted to eat lighter meals (code for salads with lean protein and no carbs) for a bit*, I refused, saying that I'd rather schedule one more workout a week (so three or four instead of two and a half- the half being days when I lift but don't do cardio) for a few weeks (which I need to do anyway, as I've been getting a bit stressed more than usual), than to restrict to the point of feeling deprived, which would only set me up for another binge. Also, it's the same behavior that started and kept me in an ED.

I am, however, giving up my monthly tube of Pilsbury crescents, as I don't feel deprived when I don't have them, and they're also pretty bad for me (months have gone by where I haven't had them, but they're a really big comfort food of mine). But that's it. I'll still be eating whole-grain carbs (I can't give them up. Every time I've tried, it ends with me wolfing down a package of lemon-poppyseed muffins, and I'm not a fan of those things regularly).

*BK wasn't implying anything by asking if I wanted to go low-carb for a bit. He knows that I'll go low carb every now and then, and he's still trying to figure out what sets it off. Also, he didn't want me feeling gross.

Birthday

2009-06-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday today (22), and in all the excitement, I forgot to come up with something to blog about (I'm not even sure I'm working out today, besides maybe doing some yoga). Fortunately that thought dawned on me while I was making muffins, hot tea, and brewed iced tea last night, so I managed to snap a picture of my happy place in the kitchen:

Unfortunately, the light in the kitchen makes everything look yellowish (I swear I don't live on the set of CSI: Miami).

Have a good weekend everyone!

Are You Kidding Me?

2009-06-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

While I understand that there are plenty of nice, normal gym-goers who are genuinely friendly and helpful, and nice, or who at least leave you alone while you're working out, I'm not going to write about them in this post. I am, however, going to write about Tuesday's workout.

After finishing my training appointments for the day, I work out (Usually members respect that I have just as much to work out there, as they do. Further, my boss and the gym's owner encourages it). Now, I do not have any specific machines that I need, however, when I do HIIT on the elliptical, my heartrate exceeds 180, and so I prefer to be as close to the fan's line of fire as possible, or else I'm literally soaked in sweat by the time I'm done with the half hour cardio session (a few times, I wasn't anywhere near the fan, and the heat from my ears partially melted the part of my shuffle's earbud that keeps it in my ear).

Because I hate cardio, I always do it first. So, since all of the ellipticals were free, I hopped on my favorite one (it's right in the fan's line of fire). I was powering through the workout, when it got pretty hot all of a sudden. That's when I realized that the girl who was on the recumbent bike had turned off the fan. Because the second I get off the elliptical is the second I finish my cardio workout, I just powered through the fresh hell of a cardio session with no fan and accepted that I'd be soaked when I finished.

When the workout was over, I wiped down the elliptical really well, noticed that the same girl who had turned off the fan was turning it back on, and I shrugged it off as a coincidence started lifting. When the row of ellipticals came back into my sight about 2 minutes later, Fan Girl was on the elliptical I'd been using. I'm pretty sure I just took her spot.

The thing is, instead of being embarassed or understanding about why she felt the need to sweat my off the elliptical, I was more upset by the fact that she thought it a good idea. I mean, yes, I'm obviously young and in reasonably good shape, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be particularly bothered by the lack of fan (my average heart rate was 5 beats per minute higher than usual for that workout, and 5 beats per minute higher than my first workout this week. I'm attributing it to my massively increased sweating. It was still in a safe range, but I wonder what would happen if an older person were on that elliptical instead of me).

Okay, rant over.

Motivation & Muffin recipe

2009-06-15T05:01:00.001-07:00

I didn't work out last week. At all. But I made significant progress in the eating at barbeques area. BK and I had a barbeque, and while initially, I didn't want to go (depressed about the wedding stuff), he convinced me, so we stopped to pick up a bottle of Beaujolais (it's good when paired with grilled chicken. I'm doing really well in the "learning about wine" area), and headed out. When we got there, it was raining, but we decided to act like it wasn't.

Unfortunately, the burgers and hot dogs were beef (I don't eat red meat). However, the hosts had gone to Sam's Club and picked up a ton of sides, so I ate a bowl of mac & cheese and a cookie (because I haven't worked out last week, my body recognized that the caloric needs had been changed, and I naturally ate less than if I were working out). BK and I stayed late, and BK drove home. On the way, we stopped at Wendy's, and I got a crispy chicken sandwich, fries, and a water (as I wasn't driving, I drank later than BK, and got drunk munchies).

On Sunday, I was a bit hungover, and we had stuff to do (okay, I had to finish MY midterm paper. BK had nothing he needed to finish), the hit the grocery store and picked up corn on the cob (it's my favorite vegetable-like grain, and we'll use it for a side every now and then) and more things for my baking fun (refills of wheat germ and flax), and went home. I did manage to satisfy my urge to bake, by walking into the kitchen and throwing stuff into the mixer. That technique turned out to produce perfectly edible muffins. Now, I honestly threw stuff into a bowl (dry ingredients first, then wet ones, then fruit), and didn't follow any recipe, nor could I find the recipe via googling the ingredients (although I'd aimed to make muffins).

I'm going to post the recipe here, and if anyone has seen a recipe like this before, let me know so I can cite it. I'm also going to suggest other ingredients that I didn't use at the bottom.

Ingredients:

1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/4 cup ground flax seeds (okay, I didn't grind mine, but you should grind them to get the omega goodness)
1/2 tsp salt*
1 tsp baking soda *
1 dash cinnamon
1 egg
3/4 cup yogurt (I used homemade yogurt from whole milk, but I'm pretty sure it'll work with any kind of plain/vanilla yogurt)
1/3 cup oil
1/3 cup honey
1 cup(ish) fresh, unstemmed blueberries (I added a bit more, so the muffins are packed with blueberries)
1/2 tsp granulated sugar

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a muffin pan with those cupcake papers, or just grease it (i used papers).
2. Put all of your dry ingredients (except the sugar) into a bowl, and mix until they're pretty evenly distributed.
3. Add the wet ingredients and stir until the consistency of the batter is pretty uniform.
4. Add the blueberries. Make sure that they're de-stemmed (if you're not sure how good the blueberries are, eat every 5th blueberry that you decide is okay for muffin-dom. It'll keep your standards high). When you mix the batter, some blueberries will burst in the batter. This is fine.
5. Spoon the batter into the muffin pan's cups. Sprinkle the 1/2 tsp of sugar over the muffins**
6. Bake for 15-20 minutes (mine took 17).

Optional/alternate ingredients

I'm pretty sure that you can add 1/4-1/3 cup granulated sugar to the recipe for sweeter muffins (these muffins taste healthy, and remind me of Trader Joe's muffins). The other ingredients are pretty heavy, so I'm not sure that brown sugar would be okay to add (maybe 1/4 cup though).

* Whenever baking blindly (not following any recipe, but making it up as you go, assume that you'll need about 1/2 tsp salt, and 1 tsp baking soda. I've got no idea what each does, but a bunch of recipes call for that amount of each).

** This may result in an unfortunate placement of blueberry to sugar placement. If this happens, the sugar won't turn transparent, but will stay looking white. Since it'll be sitting on top of a blueberry (which will have burst while baking), it'll look a bit like mold at first glance, but it'll be fine to eat, as it's sugar. You can remove the offending sugar if you want.

A Bad Week

2009-06-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

This week has been fairly awful for me. Enough so that, despite former resolutions that I wouldn't let the full force of my crazy hit the pages of this blog, I'm letting that happen. Just this once.

Months and Months ago (way back in November), I wrote about my oldest sister (the post is still on this blog, but I'm not linking to it). In the post, I named her Angela (this is not her real name). A few days later, Angela texted me, asking for my address, which I gave her. She then mailed that post to my apartment, and wrote a note on it, telling me to talk to her if I ever "felt like telling the truth" (note: I picked stories for that post which, via e-mails, my therapist at Cornell or witnesses present at the time, could all be verified as true). I called and texted her, and she never responded, and when I sent her a Facebok message, she said she did want to talk, but was busy at the momment. We saw each other over Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she didn't say anything. BK and I got engaged, and about a week later, my other sister and parents told me that Angela wasn't sure she'd be made a bridesmaid, and said that it'd go a long way toward healing our relationship, so I asked her and she accepted (I'd planned on asking her, but was going to wait at least until the church and reception site were booked).

A few weeks ago, a troll accused me of stealing a recipe. That troll later identified herself as Angela. Both BK and the commenter Jeno (who knows me in real life) told me that they thought the Angela commenter was my sister. I have to admit that I agree with them, which leaves me in the interesting situation of having the meanest commenter to visit my blog as a bridesmaid at my wedding.

Further, it's been midterms week (I'm taking summer classes so that I can document that I have knowledge in psychology, as I want to get a Master's in counseling Psychology, and actually taking classes seemed more convincing than just giving the admissions people a list of all the psych books I've read), so between the fact that the semester is only 6 weeks (I'm only taking 2 classes, but still), the guest list for the wedding needing to be finalized, and the fact that work is picking up (which is nice, but still a bit stressful), I've been exhausted, stressed, and haven't worked out all week (I will be working out today, and possibly doing yoga later and Pilates this weekend, but those are still just plans). At this point, I'm just grateful that it's Friday and I only have one training session today, and only 30ish pages of reading, and a 4 page paper.

If anyone's still reading (instead of backing away slowly), leave your weekend plans in the comments.

The Hardest Part

2009-06-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

On Monday MizFit asked if staying healthy and fit was due to willpower or willingness. Since I'm in the middle of midterms/paper hell and have slept about 9 hours in the past two days total (although I didn't use as much caffeine as I thought I'd need, and I got that jittery caffeine high from small amounts on an empty stomach, which, as I'm studying the foundations of addiction was both a useful study aid "now the caffeine is being distributed to my central nervous system, and I'm feeling way more alert and awake" and a bit ironic. Anyway, please adjust your expectations for this post accordingly.), I'm going to give my answer and expand upon it.

Frankly, I think that willpower only works in the short-term. I also think that willpower, although definitely needed in the beginning, should eventually become a fairly needless thing. For example, I don't tempt myself with sugary or rich foods (planned indulgences being a separate thing) and I listen to my body's hunger cues, and therefore I rarely need to rely on willpower. I do think that a person needs some degree of willingness, not only to exercise and eat healthily, but also to experiment so that they can, by trial and error, figure out what works for them (on a related note to the trial and error, if you add 1/4 cup of peanut butter to the granola bar recipe I posted earlier, it tastes different and more "mainstream" delicious. I figured this out by wanting to add peanut butter to the recipe and therefore, I'm not doing a new google search to find what recipe it looks most like now).

However, willingness is only part of the equation. A person needs to be prepared and organized in order to succeed long-term in all of their endeavors, especially in the health and fitness realm. For example, BK and I have a magnetic pad on our fridge (it's a pad with magnets on the back and was a dollar at Target) that we use to make a list of the groceries we need or (in the case of baking supplies, things we are running low on). When I block my errands out, I remember to grab the list when I go into the fridge to grab my water bottle (yes, I frequently do my grocery shopping post-workout. I consider it my way of telling people that I don't want to be engaged in conversation, although I do a sniff check to make sure I don't stink). As a result, I rarely need to run to the store before starting baking something. Since store-bought bread, yogurt, granola bars, pizza dough cookies, and brownies have all been pretty much replaced by the homemade variety (with the exception of Betty Crocker's warm delights), that's a big deal, as it ensures that we not only don't have to worry too much about preservatives and HFCS, but also does save money (homemade bread, cookies, and brownies are best compared to bakery goods, which tend to be more expensive than grocery store stuff). Further, the only reason why I no longer drink soda (I've had one in the past 5 months, besides ginger ale when I'm nauseated), is because there is a pitcher full of iced green tea in my fridge. As long as there's green tea in that pitcher, I don't miss the soda, but it also means that when I start to run low, I need to make more, which doesn't take a lot of work, but it does require me to start the process several hours before I'll want iced tea (brewing a big pot, steeping the tea, letting it cool, then pouring it into the pitcher and chilling).

And it's the same for working out: it's tough to keep your gym bag stocked with clothes, towels, music, food (anyone else need to eat right after a workout?), shoes, etc. And it's also easy to decide against working out if you have to go home and change out of your work clothes into workout clothes. And needing workout clothes means that you need to make sure that your workout clothes are clean (or pass the sniff-test), and that there are no holes in embarassing areas.

It's true that once you set up a schedule for yourself (in terms of cooking, grocery shopping, working out, and doing laundry), it's pretty easy to keep the mommentum going. But while you're still learning to get everything to synch up, it's frustrating and difficult, which is the only time that willpower should kick in regularly to ensure that you push through the first few weeks.

Moderation Part Two

2009-06-08T04:17:00.000-07:00

Moderation can most definitely have its advantages, mainly because nothing stops obsessive behavior quite like the idea of moderation. Think about it: one cannot suscribe to the concept of moderation being a good thing only to have two HIIT and lifting sessions a day (although it is possible to believe in moderation and have a HIIT and lifting session, and then do an hour of slower-paced yoga later in the day).

Further, the idea of moderation being good is seen in nature. Using the exercise example, too little will mean that your health will suffer, but too much is also dangerous for your health (exercise inflammation and a stressed out immune system, which is where I was during my last semester at college).

The idea that in moderation, most things are fine also help me to deal with the plethora of studies all claiming to have found the vitamin that will guarantee that you'll live forever. And the inevitable follow-up claiming that the same vitamin that guaranteed eternal life will now kill you. Reminding myself that nature never assumed that we would conduct so much research on what vitamins and minerals were good for us, helps me to stay calm when reading both studies, in that I don't run out and buy a bottle of the vitamin of the week, but I also don't refrain from eating foods with said vitamin in them (I also no longer take vitamins, aside from fish oil and calcium. Frankly, I'm almost positive that all the vitamins left my body when I peed an hour after taking them).

Moderation also did more to help me recover from my eating disorder than anything else. This time last year, while I was eating a healthy amount of Calories, it is safe to say that mentally, I was still disordered. My nutritionist had me eating 90-100 grams of protein a day, which was about 3-4 times more than I'd been used to eating. However, when I ate that much, I stopped puking (I puked almost every day, at the first meal I ate for almost all of my last semester of college. It was not induced, but because of my documented ED past, it took the people at the health center 2 months of giving me pregnancy tests -- which invariably came back negative as my body realized that I was not fit for that, and took back puberty -- and sending me on my way to realize that there was a health problem).

And because I didn't throw up on days where I ate at least 80 grams of protein, it became my new obsession. I checked the nutrition information on everything to see how much protein I'd be getting if I ate it. I once chose Doritos over an apple, because there were 5 grams of protein in the Doritos (and yes, that was the only reason I picked the Doritos). Clearly, there was still some disordered thinking present. However, there were several good things that came out of that experience: it's the first time I ever checked nutrition labels in the supermarket, and it taught me to look beyond a food's Caloric content.

It wasn't my family's concern for what I was doing to my kidneys that started me to stop valuing protein so highly: it was the fact that I stopped food journaling (and the fact that by reading everyone's blogs, I realized that there were other things that were good for me). Without it, I did keep track of everything in my head for a bit, then realized how crazy it was and stopped, deciding to look at my nutrition as a big picture, not as micro and macro nutrients.

Putting the focus on moderation helped me take my focus off perfection, and that's why I'll always see moderation (by my definition) as a good thing.

Moderation Part One

2009-06-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

It seems like just about everyone believes the phrase "everything in moderation", and applies it to their diet. Frankly, I disagree. Now I have nothing against moderation. But I disagree with the idea that it is okay to eat anything, as long as you only eat "moderate" amounts of it for several reasons.

First off, there is no standard of moderation. Therefore "moderate" is a subjective term. Which would be fine, but for the fact that one person saying that they only eat fast food in moderation could mean that they eat at fast food places one meal a day, and another could mean once a month. Further, because there are no exceptions, "everything in moderation" makes it seem as though a lot of something is bad. Which, if you're talking about drinking is true, but not if you're talking about vegetables (provided that the vegetables you're eating are varied. Eating bags and bags of baby carrots a day is bad). And turning that logic on its head, moderate amounts of poisions are okay, because poisions fall under the broad category of "everything" (note that here I'm talking about cyanide poisions. Not added chemicals that won't immediately kill you).

Secondly, for the reasons noted above, it seems to me that the phrase "everything in moderation" is used by others to pressure people to eat things that they don't want to. For example, the office birthday cake. Leaving aside the fact that the office birthday cake is rarely (to my limited knowledge) so wonderfully good that it's worth the Calories, it seems like if you don't take a piece, you'll immediately be hit with "C'mon, everything in moderation. Don't be such a health nut". (I sometimes wonder if anyone's tried to pull that with a diabetic, and if so, I'd like to have been in the room for that.)

Finally, it seems like the vast majority of people who use that phrase do not apply it to anything other than their diet, unless it's to chastise someone else: "You work out too much. Everything in moderation". Yet when asked how much the other person works out (to get their subjective definition of "moderation"), you usually find out that the other person doesn't "really" work out as much as he/she should. As in, they never work out.

Now, I freely admit that there are people who use this phrase and don't make me want to scream, like my dad, who has ran two marathons, goes to the gym to lift weights and do yoga regularly, and runs regularly. He'll generally use the "everything in moderation" card when he's about to enjoy a treat (he also had the unique joy of having someone ask him if the ice cream cone he was enjoying at Dairy Queen was "part of his marathon training". By an acquaintance who was overweight and just admitted that he didn't work out). But I think that it's a phrase that is overused.

Part two of this topic will tackle how the concept of moderation is a good thing, and can keep you sane when sifting through health research. It'll be up on Monday.

Updates Part 2

2009-06-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

I promise I'll finish up this round of updates today, so that I can write a "real" post on Friday.

When I posted the granola bar recipe on Friday, and a commenter flamed me for "stealing" from Yahoo, I was harsh in my reply. In fact, I started to feel a bit bad, until I remembered that Yahoo Answers is another word for "I'm too lazy to do a google search for what I'm looking for", and that the commenter presumed to tell ME what I could and could not write on MY blog. Now, this is not to say that I shouldn't have tried to find a really close recipe and post a link to that web site, but it is to say that I will never cite Yahoo Answers as the original source for anything.

Further, there are only so many ways to make a healthy freaking granola bar (and 9 times out of 10, when you bake something, you combine dry ingredients, then wet ingredients, then pour one into the other), and I'm honestly not going to be so cocky as to assume that I'm the only one to ever make those granola bars, or ones very similar to them. I'm honestly not against being criticized, but I will not be flamed on my blog for writing anything without flaming the commenter (who by the way, replied to everyone's comments, leaving me torn between wanting to reply and not wanting to feed the troll).

However, I do expect that people will write respectful comments, and realize that it's impossible to tell how the comment will be taken, as posts and comments are flat words on a screen, and it's entirely up to the reader's interpretation (which is why I always announce sarcasm online). For example, I feel I'm calmly explaining my point of view, but I'm sure others will feel that I'm being defensive and angry.

Now that that's out of the way, my camera and I made up. I took a bunch of pictures of the ring, but honestly, the ones taken in the bathroom came out best (because the lighting in there is the only place where we haven't switched to fluorescent bulbs, so it sparkles the prettiest in there). I love how you can see the shadow from the camera on the diamonds on the right.

I'll play around with the camera more in the next few days, to show off how cool the setting is, but it's not coming off my finger, so expect my knuckles and fingers to get in the way.

A Bunch of Updates

2009-06-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

I made a bunch of progress on a decent amount of stuff that I wrote about, and have a bunch of mini-posts floating around, so I figured I'd update everyone on what's been going on in my world.

First off, yesterday I went coffee-free. To be fair, I did drink a large mug of caffeine enriched "energy" green tea (it wasn't loaded with the stuff though. But it was about the same as a cup of coffee), and didn't feel as though I'd missed anything.

Secondly, thanks everyone for your support about my new, mini-ED. I've actually contemplated what was going through my head at both functions, and both times came up with two big answers: 1. I've always been a picky eater (this was helped my my tendency to puke every time I got sick. Several times in my childhood, the only thing wrong with me was lots of involuntary puking. As a result, I tend to stay in my comfort zone of food, unless I'm in a place where I'm okay with frequent trips to the bathroom) and 2. I was unsure how to "classify" the food there.

I've got three classifications for food: Good (salmon, fruits, veggies, green tea, basically everything that most nutritionally smart people consider healthy), Okay (red wine, certain cereals, frozen entrees like Lean Cuisine, things that are fine in moderation), and Bad (fast food, candy, sweets, cookies, basically, they have no real nutritional value, but are either convenient on road trips or just really yummy.). I try to make sure that 90% of my diet comes from Good and Okay foods (this is completely an average. There are days where 100% of my diet is Good and Okay, and there are days where that number drops to 60%.).

Now, this is fine most of the time. When I eat out, I assume that there will be nothing in the Good category on the menu that has been prepared in a way that will make it stay Good. Basically, when I eat out, everything falls to the lower category. However, when I'm at a barbeque or a catered party, I panic. It's not technically eating out, but I still don't know the nutritional information of anything. And surely the people who brought stuff wouldn't bring something completely unhealthy? But how not unhealthy is it? And so, in a panic, I eat what I know. Which at one gathering was nothing, and at the other was cookies. I think for a while, I'll eat before going out, with the thought that if I see anything I'd want to try, I'll have it and assume that everything drops a category.

Okay, this is getting long, I'll finish it on Wednesday.

Granola Bar Recipe

2009-05-29T04:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, BK and I made granola bars (Fact: I've baked something every day since Monday). They're chewy and taste really good, so I decided to post the recipe (I've got no idea of the nutritional information).

2 cups rolled oats (the slow-cooking kind)
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 cup ground flax seeds
1/3 cup oil (just make sure it's got a neutral flavor)
1/2 cup honey
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 mashed banana
1 and 1/2 cup chocolate chips (you can add anything though: nuts, seeds, dried fruit, etc. The chocolate chips is what I added and aren't really needed in the recipe)

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Toast oats for 5 minutes in a dry skillet over medium heat. Let cool.
In a large bowl, combine dry ingredients (including oats) and mix everything together until it's all evenly distributed.
In a separate bowl, mix together wet ingredients until well blended
Add wet mixture to dry ingredients and blend until well moistened. Add any extra ingredients now. Mixture should be moist but not too wet. If it seems too dry and crumbly, add a little more oil.
Grease a 9in x 13in pan (or line it with parchment paper) and press mixture into pan (doing it with your hands works best..and it's oddly satisfying).
Bake at 350°F for 30 minutes. Cut into bars while warm, but let cool completely before removing from pan

The bars came out fairly cinnamony, so I feel like they'd be great with dried apple slices or raisins in them, but you can always reduce the amount of cinnamon (or try another spice, like nutmeg. Just keep in mind the strength of the spice and adjust the quantity). Also, the chocolate isn't likely to satisfy a craving (and because you might not add it to the bars you make), because of the cinnamon. A bonus though is that they made the apartment smell yummy.

I'm also not sure how much these stack up, price-wise with granola bars you can get at the store. My gut feeling is that they're more expensive than Quaker chewy granola bars, but would be less expensive than a healthier granola bar, like the kind from Trader Joe's or Whole Foods (Fact: I've never been to a Whole Foods).

Update: Someone said I'd stolen this recipe from Yahoo. If you really want to see my response check the comments. Here is the closest recipe, based on a google search of the ingredients:

http://www.recipezaar.com/Super-Healthy-Chewy-Granola-Bars-157808

Recipezaar, I'd like to apologize for the amount of time that this recipe was posted without linking to your site (all 6 hours).

(There is a Yahoo! answer with the exact recipe I just linked to. However, based on posting dates, Recipezaar had it first.)

One Step Forward...

2009-05-27T05:21:00.001-07:00

After my nutritionist and therapist both said that I was more or less fine to be on my own in regards to my ED, I was equal parts thrilled and scared. On the one hand, I wasn't keeping a food and exercise log to show my nutritionist, and noting times/places/situations that triggered a desire to restrict and/or exercise for my therapist, which was a huge pain, but on the other hand, there was no one to spot the formation of bad habits, and honestly, the whole concept of constant vigalance on my part was exhausting.

So I gave up, and just ate whatever I wanted. And for a while, it was just a sugar binge. After all, I'd been denying myself most forms of desserts (besides fruit or yogurt and the occaisional dessert eaten to "prove" to others that there was no ED) for so long, that all I wanted was sugar. After a while, I knew that it had passed the point of trying to eat intuitively, and started to verge on drowning every hunger impulse with sugar. Oreo's for breakfast were an everyday occurrence. For some, that's a horrible breakfast. For me, it was proof that I was no longer dealing with an ED.

But I realized that I needed to clean up my eating habits. I understood that while my diet wasn't having an impact on my weight, it was having an impact on my health, and I honestly felt terrible. So I added more vegetables to my diet, sometime's in the form of Amy's or Lean Cuisine frozen things (I get that they're processed. It's still better for me than eating cookies for lunch. Or just skipping lunch altogether). I also keep cereal in the apartment for the simple sugar cravings, and have talked about a number of things that I do to eat healthily (minimized HFCS, slashed my caffeine intake by 2/3, travel with snacks).

So it was difficult to see it coming. But I think I'm back to some form of an ED. Over the weekend, I went to a friend's graduation party, and then to a barbeque that BK's work buddies had (these were on two different days). At the graduation party, I ate some fruit from the edible arrangement, and some pasta. Literally half of the party plate I used was empty before I ate anything (and those things are small). And eating the pasta was tough, I didn't want to do it. I did eat some cake.

The same thing happened at BK's work buddies' get together. We'd made cookies and brownies. There were 3 salads that would actually count as salads (green, leafy vegetables were a majority), and one even had the dressing on the side. There was a big bowl of fruit. I ate a couple cookies we'd brought, a brownie, and a tiny bit of pasta.

At the get together, I actually felt suspicious of the food. I'm used to knowing what I'm putting in my body, and when I couldn't know (without asking everyone what they brought and what was in it), I opted out. This could also explain why, when BK asks if I want to go out to eat, I panic slightly at the thought.

All of this is putting a damper on the fact that yesterday I made yogurt (I was curious) and bread (the only bread without HFCS I could find was about $3.00, and I find that crazier than I am).

My Workout and Eating Habits

2009-05-22T04:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I read blogs in the fit-o-sphere, I feel guilty. Everyone's working out and eating right and doing things to improve their health. Any then there's me. I work out 2-4 times a week (usually, I get 3 workouts a week)and eat pretty healthy, but still eat pizza rolls and pizza and nachos for dinner sometimes. True, I refuse to go to places with secondhand smoke, and have drastically cut my consumption of HFCS (because I don't know what ingredients restaurants use, I assume some HFCS is still in my diet) and reduced my coffee intake by a third (I still drink tea like it's going out of style though).

But sometimes, I feel like that doesn't stack up to other bloggers. I mean, I'll reschedule a workout if say, I've become engrossed in a good book (think Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Vonnegut, and Maya Angelou). However, I'll drop the book for the workout if it isn't acclaimed, or follows the same beach read plot as a "palate cleansing" book (any variation on the girl tries to live happily ever after with a guy. This includes most of Jane Austen).

I'll also schedule workouts and refueling before I give blood (meaning, I'll give blood after I've worked out and refueled), but I'll skip a workout to spend more time volunteering.

And if I'm not in the mood to work out, I won't. Mainly because I know myself, and if I force myself to do a workout, I'll hate every second of it, and half-ass it so that it's almost a waste of time. Plus, I'll associate my last workout as an indicator of how future workouts will be, and believe me, it's easier for me to maintain some semblance of a workout schedule when I have memories of being sweaty and tired and pushing through the tiredness because I want to see how far I can go (or lift).

Here's the thing: theoretically, I'd like to have a workout every day, even if it's just an hour of yoga. But the last time I was working out every day, I had an eating disorder. Plus, I usually put something active on my calendar for every day. But things come up (sometimes literally), and it's easier for me to use 3 days a week as the minimum, and anything after that is great, but does not mean that I'll have to do it again the next week. And that works for me.

The results are in

2009-05-20T05:27:00.000-07:00

Warning: this post mentions my pretentious taste in books.

On Monday, if it weren't apparent in that last post, I was exhausted. So much so that, after my errands and sessions and such were finished, I came home and slept for 4 hours. Then BK woke me up (6 p.m.), and I tidied up the apartment and generally tried to wake up. Six and a half hours later, I fell asleep, and slept until 9ish. Today, I woke up at 7 30 after having gone to bed at the same time.

Clearly there was something at play other than the amount of sleep I've been getting. So yesterday, I thought about what's been going on that would mess with my sleeping habits. First off, there is the fact that I switched up my lifting, but given that I only work out 3-4 days a week (for an hour per time), it doesn't answer for 100% of the fatigue, so something is at play on the weekends. And unlike Dr. House, I tend not to dismiss things that don't account for 100% of the problem.

Now I'd thought that I was so tired that my vision was suffering, but I realized that I've also been on the computer more than usual recently, and I've also been reading way more than usual (Tolstoy is getting me through the Stanley Cup Playoffs. BK's a huge Red Wings fan, but also loves hockey in general. I can watch a half an hour without getting bored.), and that my eyes could be more tired than the rest of me, simply because I'm reading more than usual (300 pages per day more than usual), mainly because, since I read so fast, the average book takes me about 4 hours to read. And spending $20 for 4 hours worth of reading entertainment isn't worth it to me (I rarely re-read anything), so for a while I didn't read. But then I got a library card, and since then, I've been reading 2 books a month (on average). However, last week, I read 2 books in one day.

That said, I was also legitimately tired on Monday, so I need to figure out what happened over the weekend that would suck my energy. The only thing that I can think of is that this weekend, I drank. I had a gin & tonic with dinner on Saturday, and a glass of delicious white wine (Gewurztraminer. Ours was from California, but I'm dying to try one from Alsace) with dinner on Sunday. And I'm not holding anything back, that's all I had. Now, while part of me is glad that I'm clearly unlikely to become an alcoholic, the other part is kind of dismayed that one drink has such a huge impact on me.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Frankly, as I've cut out soda (minus the occaisional gin & tonic), I feel like I don't want to give up alcohol, HFCS, and soda all in the same year. Further, I don't want to be toasting with sparkling grape juice at my wedding reception. But I also don't want to embarass myself and/or be hungover the next day (when we'd be flying to the honeymoon). And I definitely don't want to feel so tired. But again, I'm 21 and don't have any reason (religious or otherwise) to abstain from drinking, so it's a bit weird to say I'm never drinking again, and when I do drink, I'd like to not have to deal with the crushing exhaustion.

Thoughts?

You are getting sleepy...

2009-05-18T05:01:00.000-07:00

Since cutting back on the caffeine, I've noticed that my energy levels have been all over the place. On some days, I can get through the day without wanting a nap, and on others, all I want is a nap (like Friday, when, after I finished registering for classes, I wanted food and sleep). While I have managed to cut back on the coffee to where I wanted it to be for now, there have been days when it's been incredibly tempting to have another cup. And days (like today) where all I want to do is cancel my appointments and go back to sleep.

I think it's because I've recently changed up my weight routine at the gym, and since then, my muscles have been sore pretty consistently, and it's not completely implausible that I'd be tired from that (I noticed the same thing last time I switched up my weight time). But it's also difficult to figure out how much longer I should sleep because of the weight training without running the risk of sleeping too much, and having the same problem. In fact, I could be so tired because I've been sleeping too much (although it's unlikely).

Tonight, I'm planning on going to bed at the same time, but not leaving my bed until I wake up feeling refreshed, even if that means staying there longer (right now, I've got Tuesday mornings free enough that I should be able to do that). Then I'll count from when I went to sleep and figure out how much sleep I need. But beyond that, I honestly have no idea how to deal with this.

Detoxing

2009-05-13T05:01:00.000-07:00

Recently, I posted about abstaining from chocolate on certain days. Before that, I decided to cut back on coffee. Yesterday was the 5th day that I felt depressed and tired.

Now, while there was some personal stuff going on that might make me upset (engagement ring drama), there's also nothing that would be constant for all 5 days. For example, on Friday, I started the morning enraged, but it tapered off into acceptance of the fact that Kay's stinks (seriously, if the ring's ship date gets pushed back one more time, I'm talking to a lawyer), and a bit of depression about being treated so badly by a store that BK and I paid to get us the ring ASAP (they haven't offered a reduction in price, or done anything else to try to make it right, besides talking to the people making the ring).

But again, I've gone from enraged (which is an awesome state to work out in) to a bit depressed about it, and after the initial rage was sweated out (seriously, one of the best cardio sessions of my life), there was always a bit something similar to an energy black-hole. And my thoughts about working out would be that I knew I should work out, but also knew that unless I forced myself to work out for every single minute, it wasn't going to happen (in hindsight, I probably should have walked on a treadmill, but whatever, I've gotten in one lifting and HIIT session this week, with another one scheduled for later today).

And frankly, I think it's from the lack of caffeine, and, to a lesser extent, chocolate/sweets. I mean, I haven't eaten sweets in the past two days (with the exception of a bowl of ice cream), and only felt better after eating the ice cream. So I'm hoping that in a few days, I'll get out of this funk and start being me again. Because honestly, this isn't a good feeling at all.

Trying to Find a Solution

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

It's been pretty well established that I eat a lot of junk food. And while part of me wants to shrug and go "I'm 21, I have a good metabolism", the other part wishes that I did not have multiple deaily cravings for anything chocolate-y.

Since I gave up sweets for Lent (besides all-fruit bars and hot coco), I've been somewhat better in that I don't eat cookies and cupcakes, because they are not allowed in my apartment. I do however miss them, and hear them calling me whenever I go to the supermarket. I did let the chocolate back in, and it's what's destroying me slowly.

See, before I gave up sweets, I realized that when I eat chocolate (think Dove or Hershey's, not Betty Crocker), I'll have about 2-3 hours where everything is okay, but I'll then spend the next hour and a half sobbing uncontrollably, convinced everything bad in the world is all my fault. When I eat the chocolate with other food (say, as a dessert), the effect is minimized, but there is a dip in my energy, which can stop me from going to the gym.

However, when I gave up sweets, I routinely fell below the amount of Calories that I needed to be able to work out. Which is not to say that I wasn't eating enough: I was full, but I also found that an apple and a spoonful of peanut butter made a perfectly yummy and filling lunch (it also led to my suspicions that when I crave sweets, my body's telling me that it needs more Calories).

And it's unfortunately not a matter of moderation: if I eat a bit of chocolate, I'll keep craving it all day. And because I've already had the first piece or two, some part of me believes that it's okay to eat it all day, as my willpower after the first bite is always weaker than before it.
So I think I'm going to try Intermittent Fasts, but only with sweets. So instead of fasting for a period of time, I'm going to give up sweets for a set period of time (I'm thinking a 2 days off, one day on kind of thing).

Kay Jeweler's: Bad Business

2009-05-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

I know that this is a fitness-y blog, but I'm really pissed off right now, so for my own health, I'm going to tell you all what's been going on with my engagement ring.

As many of you know, we bought it from Kay's. And that it had to be special-ordered because my fingers are small, and we wanted to use the original stone from BK's mom's engagement ring. We were told that it'd take about 6 weeks. During the fourth week of waiting, I called the salesperson at Kay's to make sure that the ring would be in as promised, and was told that it would not be in until May 1, but that we could have a loaner ring until then (which we accepted). On April 29th, BK called Kay's to make sure that it'd be in, and was told that there was nothing in the system that would indicate any further delays. Yesterday, BK called Kay's to confirm that it was in the store, and Kay's told us that it wouldn't be in until May 22nd.

This morning, I called Kay's corporate customer service line, and was told that the ring's delivery date had been the May 5th, but that it was now showing a shipping date of May 22nd, meaning that it'll be in the store "a couple days" after that. I inquired about Kay's 90 day return policy, given that the purchase date was Feb. 1, 2009, and was told that the 90 days started from the purchase date, so that now, if the ring is not up to our standards, BK and I are not able to return it.

The operator (Terri, I believe her extension is #135), then told me that there was nothing she could do, and that the 90 day return policy was absolute. I said that, given that their end of the contract had yet to be fulfilled, I'd need to speak to a lawyer if they could not give me 90 days to actually have the ring in my possession before I'd be unable to return it. Terri told me to do "whatever I thought I had to do". So I wrote this blog post. Because I've waited 3 months for an engagement ring, and STILL DON'T HAVE THE RING WE PAID FOR.

Kicking the Habit

2009-05-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

I drink coffee. In fact, I love coffee. However, I don't think that coffee loves me back; I'm exhausted right now, and I'm halfway through my 20-ounce cup. And while I was once a morning person, and could function without coffee (last year I was drinking my first coffee in lecture, but I was able to get myself up, get ready for class, make breakfast and coffee and walk 20 minutes to class without it), today, coffee is the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Further, I've been consuming coffee faster than before: a tub of coffee grinds used to last several months, and now I've been replacing them (and going for stronger and stronger coffee) faster. And my energy levels are, if anything, decreasing. And I know that caffeine is one of those things that the body gets used to, meaning that I'm drinking 20 ounces of coffee to get to an energy level that I once got to naturally. So it's time to stop.

While it'd probably be better for me to just stop drinking the stuff completely, I know that I cannot do that and remain nice to people, so I'm just going to use my smaller (12 ounce) mugs for the next few days, and by the weekend, I'll be using the average size mugs (and hopefully only drinking one mug per day of the stuff). Next week, I'll do yoga in the morning before having coffee, and will continue adding things into my pre-coffee time, until I can stay up until 10 a.m. without coffee (about 4 hours).

When I finish this tub of coffee, I'll buy loose tea and convert my coffee pot into a teapot, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't really really excited about that.

Maintenance Lost

2009-05-04T04:23:00.000-07:00

It's almost time for the season finale of The Biggest Loser. And while that means for a lot of people that they will be inspired by the success of the contestants, it also means that the motivation that the show offers its contestants (a huge pile of cash) will go away and they will have to adjust to real life (where the kitchen is not magically stocked with healthy food) without that motivation.

The contestants will have to cope with everyday stresses like jobs and family, and having kids. Further, it's already been established that the contestants don't know what they're talking about when it comes to food (remember the video food diary?), nor does it seem like they've been given any kind of budgeting tips to allow them to afford the healthy fare that the kitchen is stocked with.

The real problem with the Biggest Loser (and many diets out there) is the lack of information about maintaining. People following the program are expected to learn what works for them, and use that knowledge to maintain. But when the program consists of vast amounts of exercise and/or a tiny amount of calories, it's difficult to figure out what works and what doesn't, and it's even harder to realize that it takes dedication. It's fine to take an extended break exercise-wise every now and then if you've got your nutrition right and you're feeling burnt out and stressed, but it's quite another to decide that if you can't work out, well then you're not allowed to eat (one of my ED rules that I no longer follow). And getting nutrition right is complicated, mainly because everyone's a bit different and has different nutritional needs.

And when your only measurement for success that matters is pounds lost (yes, all the contestants talk about the progress they've made with running speeds or weight lifted, but that doesn't mean anything when they hop on the scales), that means that you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment (like around the holidays), or treading water (just maintaining your weight). I know that one of the things that keeps me motivated is that I've got non-scale-related goals that I can chase.

But no one talks about maintenance, because it isn't cool. No one wants to hear how you haven't had to buy a bigger pant size in 8 years (other than to call you a freak, despite the fact that you've been going to the gym and eating right). But people do want to hear how you lost 50+ pounds, even if it was a crash diet.

Supplement Bars and Drinks

2009-05-01T05:51:00.001-07:00

A while back, I asked if it was okay to consume protein bars that tasted like candy, while giving up sweets. One commenter said that, to her, they were pretty much the same thing. And I thought about that a lot, and have come up with this conclusion: No, they aren't.

Yes, both do have a decent amount of Calories, and sometimes both can have a lot of sugar or carbs. But one also contains nutrients (both micro and macro), and the other is empty Calories. But you do need to find a good bar, which is one that is healthy and has lots of nutrients, and also tastes good. And in order to find a good bar, you will need to read the labels in the grocery (or vitamin) store. (Note: reading labels is not very time consuming, so don't be put off by that).

The key when looking at labels is to check the ingredients (if you see something you're allergic to or don't like, put the box down and pick up another), and look at the bits of nutrition that are most important to you. If you're trying to build muscle, you might look for protein, whereas if you're anemic, you'll want to look for iron. Try to identify the 1 to 3 nutrients (micro or macro) that are the most important for you, then look at their quantity, not the percentage, which is an estimate, and it's not always right for you. For example, if I don't eat roughly my weight in protein (okay, 80-100 grams, depending on what I've done that day), I spend the next day puking (and please, no lectures about my kidneys. The 80ish grams was suggested by a nutritionist during my recovery, and he made a point to tell me that that was what I should eat every day for the rest of my life.).

Since protein is obviously the most important nutrient to me, I'll use that as my nutrient. First off, I check to see what a serving size is (it SHOULD be one bar, but I have seen one that said a serving was half a bar). Then I look at the amount of Calories in a serving (I treat them as snacks, so I try to keep the Calorie content to 250 or under), and compare it to the amount of protein. If, for example, a Slim-Fast snack bar contains 190 Calories, and 7 grams of protein, but their high-protein meal bars contain 220 Calories and 15 grams of protein, I'll be taking the meal bar, because it's got few enough Calories to be a snack, and its calories:protein ratio is better.

Also, it's good to keep a supplement on hand for days when you come out calorically short. For example, I've got a 6 pack of protein drinks that have 250 Calories. And when I realize that, despite my trip to the gym, I've eaten few enough Calories that I'm not out of starvation levels territory and it's almost time for dinner (it happens every now and then), I drink one of those. The important thing here is to make sure that the drink isn't too filling, so that I can eat something in a little bit. Again, not the greatest thing in the world, but it's better to drink 250 Calories of a drink that's loaded with protein and vitamins than it would be for me to eat a candy bar.

You: the Owner's Manual Review

2009-04-29T05:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is not the type of review where there's a giveaway. It's the type of review where I mentioned that I was reading it, and people asked for a review in the comments.

First off, let me say that I didn't buy it, and therefore the review will be a bit skewed, as I can't tell you how I felt about paying for it (seeing as how I read 600 pages in a little less than 8 hours yesterday, my reading habit is made possible by the library). I can, however say that I bought You: Being Beautiful, and thought that it was not worth the price.

That being said, I liked the way that nothing was jargon-y: the authors kept everything simple and well-explained. There was a lot of information about exercise and keeping a healthy weight and they even discussed acupuncture briefly (saying it didn't have science to explain it, but that it worked for some people, but to please look for one who's got the right certification). There were also a lot of little tips for real life that the reader can use (however, some of the tips and suggestions were obvious, like quitting smoking). The chapters were broken up into the functions of each tissue. For example, there was a chapter on digestion and another on the immune system. I did have a lot of "oh wow, I didn't know that" momments (like the part that explains why your nose runs in winter: the hairs that direct snot upwards freeze, and gravity takes over).

But there was a strong focus on supplementation (although there were lists of foods containing the vitamins that the authors lauded), and there were times when the authors' jokes got irritating. The authors are also the doctors behind the RealAge web site, and mention it several times in the book (as well as Dr. Oz being on Oprah), and while I'm sure they were just offering more resources to the reader, it felt a bit like those infomercials on The Biggest Loser (Doing X can make your real age up to 1.5 years younger). Further, after reading the description about a healthy poop, I got freaked out because I apparantly don't produce those. And yes, the authors do talk about common things that can go wrong in every chapter, which did cause a lot of mini-freakouts on my part.

Overall,it was a good read, but I'm honestly not sure that it's worth the store price (I'd say I liked it $15. As in, if I'd paid $15 for the book, I'd feel it was a fair price.), especially as the people who asked for the review are probably already doing most of what the doctors suggest in their book, and do not use Real Age (seriously, it's practically a companion to the You: The Owner's Manual).

Stupid Pants

2009-04-27T04:49:00.000-07:00

Friday was a beautiful day out, and I was excited to take out my summer clothes, including my summer jeans (which are tighter than my winter jeans). After all, I've really changed my body in the past year, and I think I look great, so I was looking forward to wearing clothes that were a bit tight, and shirts that showed off my arms. So I grabbed a pair of jeans managed to wriggle into them (although I was kind of muffin-topping and it took more effort to get them on that it should have), but I couldn't find any tops that went with said jeans, so I grabbed another pair.

And got kicked in the ego. Not only did it take 3 minutes of wriggling, tugging, and cursing under my breath, but when I checked the back, I saw my first "real" muffin top (the kind that other people would notice, not just a bit of skin poking out further than the fabric of the jeans because they end before the top of my fabric). Further, I couldn't really sit down.

And I'd like to say that I handled it well, and pulled on a pair of pants that I knew would fit and look great on me, but I really just leaned back awkwardly against the bed in as close an approximation of sitting as I could manage and cried. Until BK came in and asked what happened. I then had to tell him that I tried to fit into jeans I'd considered my tight (but not skinny) jeans. Jeans that last year, I could comfortably wear for hours, but now I couldn't sit in. Jeans that fit me during my eating disorder, but were now too small.

It's been about a year since the professionals who helped me recover from my eating disorder told me that I was doing well with eating, and sent me on my way. And for about a year, my focus has been building muscle, and strengthening my bones. I've been successful too: there have been days when I've looked in the mirror after a workout on my way to the shower from the hamper (so that my workout gross can be contained), and been thrilled and happy about how I look. I've got visible muscles everywhere but my legs (and I think that's because I'm so pale that it's hard to see the definition. Once I start bottle tanning, I'll look again).

And because I've been focused on building muscle, the scale holds less power over me. Sure, there are times when I'll step on it and be a bit sad that the number's high, but then I look in the mirror and see lean muscles, not fat. And because I've been building muscle, my clothing size hasn't changed. At least, not really: I can fit into most American Eagle jeans at my ED size, but not their tightest styles. And yet, I can't throw them out, not do I feel okay buying new jeans: like I tearfully told BK, I haven't outgrown a pair of jeans since I was 15, and that's because I stopped growing.

Fortunately this story does have a happy ending, as BK calmed me down, found my favorite jeans (the ones I've had since I was 15, and they're now the softest jeans ever), and let me change before we went out. And realizing that those jeans fit, and were even a bit loose, took a lot of the crazy away. The offending pair of pants was thrown under my desk, where they'll stay for a bit. I'm not ready to deal with the issues they give me just yet.

Getting my Life Back From the Gym

2009-04-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

Usually when I got to the gym, I expect to spend at least an hour (sometimes more) there on my own workout, mainly because I'll do about 10 exercises for my upper body (arms, chest, and upper back), and then the next day, I'll do 10 exercises for my lower body. I push myself to my limits, and the muscle groups worked that day are pretty much jell-o by the time I leave the gym.

While this has been getting results, it pretty much guarantees that, besides a shower, I won't get anything done that I want to get done. Instead, I'll shower and eat something, then get tired and either take a nap, or stay awake and play online. Then the next day, I'll be sore and exhausted.

It's not a fun workout, nor is it (I think), something that I'll be happy to do forever. So I've been changing it up: I usually put the hardest exercises first, so for the past few weeks, I've only been doing the four hardest exercises for each body part. And I've still been getting sore. Then yesterday, I realized that I'd have my only lifting session this week (I've been sick), and did 6 exercises: pull-up negatives, dips, squats and plie squats with a 30 pound weight (I'm not a fan of using the barbell, but that's just me), side planks, and weight plate drags (where you get into a push-up position, stick your feet into the holes of a weight plate, and walk forward on your hands, dragging the plate behind you) with a 45 pound weight. And I'm mildly sore, as in, I'm not going to lift today, and I'm aware of my muscles, and I'm in a bit of discomfort, but I'm not hating my muscles now, and demonstrating an exercise wouldn't make me want to scream.

Tomorrow, BK and I are going rock climbing. Anyone else have plans for this weekend?

New Motivation! (and possible TMI)

2009-04-22T04:54:00.000-07:00

When I wrote that last post, I was frustrated. I'd been working on those goals for months, and frankly, all progress was stalled. And I do think that my working so hard, and being at least mildly sore after every workout, only to do the exact same every time I tested myself drained a lot of my motivation.

Then I read Charlotte's post yesterday. And it made me go back and pinpoint exactly when I started on the pill (it makes my skin clearer and I don't get cramps so bad that if I move from the fetal position I want to cry). And my last big gain (one-armed push-ups) came before I started taking it. And strangely enough, that's motivating to me for two reasons:

1. I was beginning to think that I was doing something wrong, or that maybe I wasn't capable to accomplish those goals. But now I know that there's something (that I'm chosing to do) that is hindering me from hitting those goals.

2. I get the feeling that if I backslide, I won't be able to make up those gains easily. And frankly, earning the ability to do some of the things listed means enough to me that I don't want to lose them by sitting on the couch.

Now, I know that I should theorectically see some gains, but the last time I was on the pill (for keeping me regular during college, when my follower uterus was living with 30+ girls), it was like someone hit the pause button on my body. Despite a fairly severe eating disorder for 2 and a half years, (800 Calories a day), my body weight never got dangerously low (at least not for my size). So it's possible that for me, I won't see another big gain until I stop taking it (I'm hoping that there will be smallish gains where the larger ones should be.)

So I've amended my goals. For example, instead of being able to do 20 pull-ups in the next year, I'm going to try for 5. And right now, that's okay with me.

In other news I wasn't well the last two days (lethargic, headache, runny nose, and nausea), so I didn't work out, but I'll be doing some yoga and maybe lifting today.

Pursuit of Badassery

2009-04-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

I think that I'm going to try to do some posts (spaced out) basically talking about what I want to do, why, and how I'm doing in attaining it. Plus, it will keep my actual goals on my mind, so they don't get as drowned out by stress and fears of how it'll look.

Pull-ups: Okay, I'm still awful at these. I can do one and a half (with my arms starting straight, not bent at the elbow), but last week I figured out that I can use the pull-up machine (so technical, I know) to do negatives, so I'm hoping that I'll be making better gains here.

Chin-ups: I can do these, but I don't because I want to do pull-ups. But since I get that I want my muscles to be balanced, I'll work on being able to do more of these too (I did 2 last night. They were part of the kick in the butt to focus harder on these).

One-handed push-ups: I can do 3 on each hand, which means I can do less than when I realized I could push-up with one arm. Since then, I'd been working my way up to handstand push-ups, and explosive push-ups, but didn't do the one-handed kind, because it means that people will come up to you and ask for advice when you're trying to work out (I already get enough of that by working out in the gym where I'm a trainer) I will be working to increase these as well.

Handstand Push-ups: I'm not ever going to trust myself to do these. I've accepted it and moved on.

Deadlifting: I stopped with this. Honestly, I'm terrified of hurting my back. I'll deadlift with lighter weights, but I'm not going for a 1 rep max anymore.

HIIT: on the elliptical, at level 7 for 20 minutes. I'm increasing the time to 25 minutes, and in a couple weeks, I'll be increasing it again to 30. Once I can do 30 min, I'll increase the level and lower the time. I want to be the person who can do the crazy-hard stuff.

Yoga: I'm doing it again. My felxibility has decreased, but I'm hoping it'll come back

In My Own Skin

2009-04-15T05:08:00.000-07:00

Over Easter, BK and I visited my parents. And my sisters were there. I left feeling about the same about myself as I did when I arrived, which has pretty much never happened, so I'm pretty psyched about that.

But the weird thing was, for the first time since maybe 8th or 9th grade, I wasn't comparing myself to them. Maybe because, as I've already posted, by doing things that make me feel good about myself, I don't need other people to tell me that what I'm doing is good. Or maybe it's because I've gotten engaged, and was excited about booking the reception site. Or it's because I've been lifting, which puts more focus on what I can do, rather than what I can fit into (although I will be wearing a bikini with pride this summer, as my abs are my favorite part of me).

But I didn't ever compare myself to another person while I was home. I didn't feel bad when my mom made red meat for Easter dinner when I do not eat red meat. Okay, I did for like a second, but I reminded myself that the other 8 people there all ate it, and that there was turkey and salmon in the fridge, and I'd make myself a snack after dinner. Then I filled up on veggies, mashed potatoes, garlic bread, and pilsbury crescents, and forgot about making myself a snack. And even if I ate a bit more food with lesser nutritional value, it was worth it because I got over myself.

Eating Sweets Again

2009-04-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Easter, meaning that I'm officially done with not eating sweets. So after breakfast, I had two sprinkle cookies. They're my absolute favorite, although on Saturday, when everyone else was eating them it wasn't exactly difficult to put off eating them for a day. And something weird happened when I ate them: I realized that the cookies, while really good, were not as good as I remembered: I was expecting the chocolate on the cookies to be darker, and it just felt like something was missing. The same thing happened with a peanut butter cup and my easter bunny.

Actually, I could barely taste the peanut butter cup: it was somehow bland. I think that because I've been satiating my sweet tooth with fruit and pretzels and cocoa, I got used to those things, and my body adjusted. Like I said, it wasn't exactly hard to turn down the cookies. And my energy levels yesterday were awful: I was lethargic and tired all day. Part of that was that I hadn't slept much the night before, but I think that part of it was because I didn't eat right.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with all the Easter candy: on one hand, it's wasteful to throw it out, but on the other hand, it's not candy I'm going to enjoy. I will be going to a candy store in the next few weeks to pick up some chocolate that I'll enjoy, and then putting it out of sight, because I'm happy that I can live without sweets, and don't want to go back to the place that has me eating cookies and coffee for breakfast.

Workout/Life Balance

2009-04-10T04:38:00.000-07:00

So far this week, I've had 3 lifting sessions and completed 2 20 minute HIIT things. I've got another appointment that will put me in the gym later today, so it looks like there will be 4 lifting sessions and 3 rounds of HIIT this week. I know that I need to add yoga in, and will be doing that at some point in the next few weeks.

I also read 2 chapters in YOU: The Owner's Manual (the updated edition), which told me that I only need 60 minutes of cardio a week, provided my heart rate stays at 80% of it's max, which, thanks to my inability to pace myself during the "recovery" periods (I use an elliptical, and when the resistance decreases, I end up sprinting for 45 seconds, then trying frantically to lower my heart rate for 15, then the resistance increases for 30 seconds), happens when I do HIIT. Now, I may eventually increase the amount of HIIT to 30 minutes (although it's unlikely), but it's good to know that I only need 20 minutes, 3 days a week in order to get the cardiac benefits.

I've also been trying to meditate, however BK and I are trying to get up earlier (6:30 a.m.), so I've been realy tired in the mornings, which has interefered with meditation, as about 3 minutes in, I really really want to lie down. But it's kept me sane: when the reception hall I really wanted to use (nothing else came close) was booked, I did have a meltdown, but it was only a little one. In that I did cry and throw my phone, but I only needed two tissues and had the presence of mind to throw the phone at the couch. Then I made some phone calls and rescheduled the wedding (the church was cool about it; they didn't even make us give them another deposit).

Happy Progress

2009-04-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up super early for a training appointment at 5:30 a.m. (which was when I needed to be at the gym, so I woke up at 4:45. And no, it's not a time I usually agree to), only to arrive at the gym, and not see the person I was going to train. And because said client needed to purchase another training package, I don't get credit in my paycheck for being there. However, I shrugged it off, and was more concerned than anything (I agreed to the 5:30 sessions because this client is an incredibly conscientious person: she usually gives me at least two days notice of cancellation for a forseeable issue, and at least 12 hours for emergencies). Then the other trainer walked in, smirked when I told him my client was a no-show (I think he didn't believe that I had a client), and proceeded to conduct 3 training sessions while I worked out.

Normally both would bother me (he sticks exactly to the 45 minute allotment of time, ending one session mid-set, while I'll stay and make sure that the last set is done, and his "training" sessions involve 5 minutes of sprints, stopping and resting between sprints, and super-basic exercises: think side crunches and rows, yet he has more clients than I do and acts like I have no idea what I'm talking about), but I realized that it didn't matter: he's older than I do, and acts like he's still in college, and if people think that he's the better trainer, it's their money. Plus, BK and I can pay our bills just fine.

I did my workout, ignoring the other trainer's constant looks my way (I'm not sure if he thought I was trying to "pull" something by working out so early, but to be honest, I like that the workout is out of the way, and may start working out earlier, so he'll have to get used to it) and left.

And I realized 2 things: some of the exercises have gotten earlier (yay! I'm getting stronger!) and mentally, I'm calmer and more centered (letting the other trainer's smirk and looks roll off my back and instead of trying to figure out what game he's trying to play, deciding that I don't want to play it). And to be honest, I think it's because of all the progress I've been making, in all areas of my life: every day I do things that make me feel that I'm moving toward my goals, giving me a sense of accomplishment, which eliminates my need for others to validate my actions. It's a good feeling.

Explaining the Crazy

2009-04-06T05:13:00.000-07:00

Last post, I wrote about how frustrating it was to feel like people were expecting me to lose weight In reality, the only ones pressuring me to lose anything were the "people" in advertisements. But before anyone call me crazy, let me just say that 1. it's almost impossible for me to avoid them. Between Gmail and facebook and theknot.com (it's a wedding planning web site), I probably see at least 20 ads telling me I need to lose weight and offering their "advice". and 2. the ads that I see when I go online are targeted to brides, and 3. they are in addition to all the diet pills and gym memberships and junk fitness product advertisements.

It's honestly caused the crazy E.D. voice to get a lot louder (although I haven't listened), because they tell me in the tag line that I need to look my best, and that it's not going to happen unless I lose 5-15 pounds. And to be fair, I usually have to fight a bit harder to stay sane from April-August (bathing suit season). However, instead of talking things out with BK and my family (who have been 100% supportive and wonderful about the whole thing. Ditto for BK's family), and having them tell me that I'm perfect (BK) or that I need to chill, as there have been conversations about how beautiful I'm going to look (my middle sister and my mom), I internalized everything until I couldn't take any more pressure, at which point it spewed all over the blog.

And this is how it's most likely going to be for a while: while I am no longer counting calories and exercising obsessively (2-3 times a day), the nature of E.D. is not trusting and open. It's isolating and private and a dirty secret. And that's when I know it's the E.D., and not me, but it's hard to ignore the voice telling you that no one can love you if you don't lose 5-15 pounds. And it eventually builds up until there's too much crazy, and it needs to get out.

Have You Lost Weight?

2009-04-03T05:33:00.001-07:00

In getting the basics taken care of for the wedding, I've been bombarded with ads and expectations that I'll look fantastic when I walk down the aisle, partially because there's so much time for me to get in shape before the wedding, and partially because, since I work in a gym, there's really no excuse to not work out.

But part of me feels like people expect me to lose weight. And here's the thing: I can't. I know my body well enough to know that I've gained muscle (even BK admits that I'm a lot more muscular than I was last year, when my body fat percentage was measured at 19%, meaning that I might have made it to the "Athletic" range), and my pants size hasn't gone up, but in terms of pure bodyweight, I'm about the same (there may have been about a 5 pound loss, but over a year, I'm willing to chalk that up to fluctuation).

And I know that there is no way for me to healthily lose any weight, besides giving up muscle. But here's the kicker: I'm still tiny. While you can see the shoulder, bicep, and triceps muscles when I lift, I'm so pale that nothing can be seen when my arm is relaxed. And I'm up to 15 pound weights: according to some people, my muscles should be so huge that I should look like Mr. Olympia. Honestly, at this point, I'm pretty sure that it's not in my genetics to look like MizFit (also because I'm not planning on lifting much heavier than 25-30 pound weights).

And it's sapping my motivation: why should I bother to try to look fantastic, when there are people who will tell me that I should have lost weight? And frankly, a year and a half (okay, it's closer than that, but whatever) is a long time away to be focusing on losing. Yet I still get a nagging sensation that I'm not being a good bride when I talk to my mom and she reminds me that I'm probably not going to change dress sizes between now and then.

(Okay, I didn't work out yesterday, and it looks like I'm not going to work out today, as I'm feeling horrible, physically. Full disclosure and all that. I've worked out once this week, with half a yoga session thrown in there.)

All Over the Place

2009-04-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I'd promised a non-Tricia centered post, but when I wrote it, it came across as condescending and judgemental (basically, over the weekend, BK put pomegranate juice in a wine glass and had me drink it, not telling me what it was, and I realized that if I stay in the $8-12 price range for wine and only buy it when I need it, not when I see a pretty label, I could easily be able to work pomegranate juice into the monthly budget, and it became a post about economics and choices. So if my breakthrough applies to your life, great, if not, that's cool too).

So I'm writing this instead (and no, I didn't work out yesterday. But I ran errands, read a lot, and went to the dentist. I also felt too tired to do anything that required much movement. Meaning that halfway through yoga, I wanted a nap, and gave up). I'm also thinking of posting the workout I did at the bottom of each post, so that I won't start doing, say, 10 squats, and calling it a lower body workout (although I'll just disclose the time at cardio, time spent doing yoga or pilates or lifting, to spare you all the boredom or actually reading how many sets of what).

And did anyone see last night's episode of The Biggest Loser? I still hate the idea behind that show, but I totally got sucked into the stories this season, and I also enjoy mocking the contestants for not being able to figure out how the percentage of weight lost still favors the heavier people. I mean, Kristen, who lost 100 pounds and was still 3 pound heavier than Aubrey when Aubrey first arrived at the ranch, isn't seen as a threat, but Tara, who can only lose 70 more pounds (at most), is percieved to be a huge threat. I mean, if someone weighing 400 pounds gets down to around 100 pounds (which most of them do), she'll have lost 75% of her bodyweight. If someone who weighs 300 pounds gets down to 100, she'll only have lost 66% of her bodyweight.

Plus, I do find it funny how seriously everyone takes everything. I mean, when Jillian tried to get her team to see how much damage they could do in one night (after her team won the luxury challenge a few weeks ago), and the blue team flipped out and ran whining to Bob, I laughed (Heaven forbid anyone call them out for ignoring every piece of advice they were given).

But last night summed up why I can't stand it: Ron was hospitalized, and said that something like 9 bags of saltwater was pumped into him. Meaning, he was dehydrated when he arrived, and the staff fixed it. And when Nicole came back, she was given imunity for the first week, but when it turned out she'd gained weight, it was taken away, despite the fact that she worked really hard. It felt like the producers were punishing her for losing weight on her own, then gaining some back on the ranch. I mean, if it were specified that she couldn't gain weight and keep immunity, it'd be one thing, but that isn't what appeared to have happened.

First One Foot, Then the Other

2009-03-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

I know I skipped a post on Friday (spontaneous evening yoga session), but it honestly didn't bother me. Possibly because I have 2 blogs, so there's usually something new on one of them, and possibly because I was away from the internet for longer than usual (it's kind of like a drug).

And I have been living my life. I worked out today, which means that this is the first Monday workout in, I think, ever. Mainly because I figure that since Monday is so early in the week, I can "make it up" later. And it's crazy how much impact the hour I spend in the gym has on my day: I'm more motivated to pick up a book afterwards (I'm going to be limiting my internet time. I think it's for the best), or to pop in/find a documentary and pick up my knitting, and the odds of me actually going to the library to pick up a craft book have increased drastically (it's on the "to do" list for tomorrow, and it's on the way to the gym), which is great, because I want to learn how to sew/cross-stitch/embroider, and make jewelry (BK has agreed that when we get a house, he will give me a room in it for crafting supplies, provided I let him take part of the basement as a workshop. I also "let" him try to look for houses with a 3 car garage, or a garage with a workshop attatched, so he can restore a car. Talking about the future was on the agenda over the weekend).

Which is why I picked the title for today's post: working out is the first foot, all the great benefits I enjoy, and all the hobbies and extra productivity my days get are the other (I know that this was very Tricia-centered. I'll be doing another, more life in general post later in the week).

If it's Broke, Fix it

2009-03-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

My daily schedule (as written) looks something like this: wake up, brush teeth/floss/rinse (TMI?), wash face, get coffee, write blog entry, get breakfast and more coffee, read other blogs, tidy up the apartment, cardio, lift, yoga, work.

My actual schedule is this: wake up, brush teeth and all that bathroom jazz (yay hygeine!), get coffee, write blog entry, get more coffee, read other blogs and get breakfast sometime in between MizFit and Crabby, play around on the internet, work.

And while it's true that I look about the same, it's getting to me. I mean, because of the infrequency of my workouts (once or twice a week), I'm just maintaining. So for the third week in a row, I've been stagnating. No increase in definition, no being able to do more badass things, no improvement. And that's the part that's driving me up the wall, and sapping my motivation. Because while I know that after a certain point, I will just be working on maintaining muscle, I also know that I'll then be working on improving my flexibility and working on decreasing my mileage times.

But not getting any stronger, while my cardiovascular system and flexibility get worse and worse is making me mildly homicidal. So I need a change. And what I'm thinking is that I should only allow myself to blog (and read other peoples' blogs) AFTER I've worked out. Meaning that I'll be posting later in the day, and reading/commenting later as well. Hopefully that's all it'll take for me to work out regularly.

Superfoods: Awesome, or a waste of money?

2009-03-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Given that we're in a recession, a lot of people are currently taking a hard look at their spending habits, to see if anything can be cut. And for a lot of people, superfoods are starting to look less and less super. But here's the thing: I have no idea what a superfood is.

I mean I know that there are foods like pomegranates and blueberries that are incredibly good for you, but what about the bananas that have a little sticker on them that say "Superfood"? are they really that incredible for me, or is the banana's company trying to get me to buy it (in which case "try with peanut butter" is a much more effective strategy). Further, it seems like once something is labeled as a superfood, the price goes up, although the exception to this is green tea (if you get the bags and brew it yourself).

And I understand the concepts behind supply & demand, but is it really necessary for people to charge so much for a "superfood"? And if the price differential is a way you can find a superfood (unlikely), wouldn't it be more economical to get, say, a pear or an apple, which is still healthy, but not to my knowledge super? And doesn't personal taste come into play? I mean, my dad bought (and drank) pomegranate juice for a long time, but stopped. When I visited last, I noticed, and asked. He made a face and said "ugh, I hate that stuff". Now, this is a man who eats fairly healthily (his attitude is "everything in moderation") and has a well-rounded workout (running, strength training, yoga). Does he need to keep drinking (and paying for) pomegranate juice, which to him is gross? Or can he keep going in his healthy, pomegranate juice-free lifestyle?

A Word About Sanity Buddies

2009-03-20T05:04:00.001-07:00

Last post, I mentioned sanity buddies, and there seemed to be some interest in them, so I thought I'd clarify what a sanity buddy is and who they should be.

My sanity buddy reads this blog (hi Jeno!), and yes, she is my sanity buddy partially because we are both getting married around the same time. But she also gets that title because we know each other's flaws. Meaning that she knows that I tend to gravitate towards huge amounts of time in the gym and trying to make everyone happy, even if it makes me miserable. However, I know the things that she does that could take away from her sanity down the road, and I watch for those as she watches for signs of my crazy peeking through.

She also handled my ED fairly well, yelling at my boyfriend at the time to get me to eat (he'd tell me to eat the next time I saw her, so that she'd stop bothering him about it, because I didn't have a problem. He was a nice guy, but not the brightest crayon in the box), and, when I went home, she sent messages to my closest friends there, telling them that I had a problem, and that they shouldn't listen to me when I insisted I was fine (they took me out for bagels and pizza a lot). And her actions were partially successful: the people close to me at home didn't listen when I talked about how I was fine, and knowing that someone cared enough to actually make people listen to her meant a lot.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that a sanity buddy should have some idea what you're going through that could cause crazy to pop out, and should know your particular brand of crazy, as well as hopefully having some time where he or she tried to help you out of crazyland (like candyland, but no sugar), so that you can tell whether or not he or she would be able to stop the descent in the future.

Have a good weekend everybody!

How to Prepare for a Big Event and Keep Your Sanity

2009-03-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

This is the first of what may be a series of cross-posting between this blog and Girly Jock Goes Bridal. Let me know if you'd like to see more of these, or if you'd prefer never to see the other blog mentioned here again.

Since getting engaged, it's been tough to avoid all the ads telling me that I need to lose weight in order to have the perfect wedding. And it's especially tough because I know that my own workouts don't really fit the minimum to be considered that I'm actually doing something for my health. I usually work out for 90 minutes, twice a week. And a lot of the minimal workouts stem from the fact that I gave up sweets for Lent, and because of that, I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, and been fuller on less calories (part of my slide into ED started when I decided it was time to start eating healthy, and replaced junk food with fruits. Healthy, yes, but calorically, I needed more to exercise, and didn't realize it), but I haven't hit the magic caloric number that means that it's okay for me to exercise more frequently. But I do have several strategies in place to make sure that I don't end up crash dieting and/or overtraining (because I'm not going to remain in this healthy but too little to exercise state forever), and because weddings aren't the only major events, I thought I'd share my strategies.

Set Rules. Relatively far in advance, get a pen and paper and make a list of all the things you want to do to get ready for the event (teeth whitening, work out 5 times a week for 60 minutes a session, eat 5 servings of fruits/vegetables). One rule: you cannot expressy say "lose weight" unless there is a specific amount you want to lose, you'll be at a healthy weight after the loss, and you can reach the weight safely (also, weigh yourself before making the goal).
Add the Rules into Your Life Slowly. I've got a list of 25 things I want to add into my life before walking down the aisle. So far, 6 of them have been added. Meaning that I've managed to incorporate them into my life. For example, using the 3 examples above, you can say that eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables and working out 5 times a week are the two that you should get started on fairly far in advance. So the first few weeks, you aim to work out twice a week and eat 3 servings of fruits and vegetables. Once you get used to that, you can increase the amount of times you go to the gym, and the amount of fruit you eat.
Get a Sanity Buddy. A friend of mine is getting married a month and a half before me. And while we sometimes bounce ideas off each other, we also make sure that the other isn't going crazy, or setting herself up to go crazy by ignoring physical activity now (and yes, she is aware that I'm not doing my best effort at working out, but understands why I'm not, and approves of it, as she saw the ED-tricia).
Think Long-Term. I know that sometimes this is the hardest one. But when BK sees me walking down the aisle, I don't want him thinking that it'll be downhill from here. I want to continue to look my best, so that he always feels like the luckiest guy in the world. For me, getting married means that I'm spending the rest of my life with someone, and that someone deserves a healthy partner. But I'm also aware that if I follow the guidelines I've set for myself to get ready for the weddng, I will look my best (at least that's the theory). So if I follow those guidelines after the wedding (within reason, some of the rules involove unhealthy things like allowing my skin to get tan, instead of wearing sunsceen and reapplying frequently), I'll continue to look my best, making future events (friends' weddings, reunions, holidays) stress-free.

Food Judgement

2009-03-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

Ever since my ED, I've mostly ignored how a certain food is judged (which is why I've more than made up for lost time with peanut butter), and gone by my own, more relaxed but complex rules of what's healthy and what isn't. For example, ED me wouldn't have had pomegranate juice, because all juice was really just pure evil, but now there is pomegranate juice in my fridge.

However, I'd be lying if I said that the food in my apartment wasn't almost all healthy. And it's the truth that sometimes, my behavior in the grocery store (comparing nutrition information, using a cloth bag at the checkout line) causes people to stare. I have had people come up to me to let me know that, because I "have a great body", I don't "need" to read the ingredient list of a certain item. Most times, when I reply that 80% of my body comes from what I eat, so yes, I do need to read the nutrition information, I get a blank stare.

But for the most part, I ignore strangers, and they ignore me. However, last Wednesday, I had an encounter that I don't think I'll forget anytime soon. I was picking up some essentials (fruit, yogurt, chicken, Amy's frozen meals, and frozen vegetables). BK had asked me to pick up some Dr. Pepper for him, so I grabbed that before heading over to the checkout line. While in line, some guy tapped my shoulder. He told me that the contents of my basket were really "great", but that I should really cut out the soda.

Now, if this guy's basket had all kinds of healthy goodness in it, I'd have shrugged off the comment as one health nut trying to educate someone who, in his eyes, was "almost there". But the basket was filled with chips, frozen dinners (with a lot of preservatives), and 2 liters of soda. And the guy reminded me of a number of frat guys in college who had no issues saying that a girl needed to lose weight before they'd try to get in her pants, while they themselves weren't exactly Adonis-like. So I wasn't going to let this jerk make an unsolicitated comment about my eating habits without making one about his.

I told him that my basket was far better than his, and informed him that perservatives in food do not have the same effect on the human body, so if he was hoping to live longer by eating junk, he was mistaken, and asked why he felt he could tell me to cut out soda, when he clearly still drank the stuff. Then a spot in the self-checkout opened up, and I walked away to pay for my groceries.

I'd more or less let that adventure go, until I read Charlotte's post about food judgement. And I realized that as a culture, people have started looking at what other people are eating, and then making subjective judgements about the person, based solely on one picture of one meal. And while I'm not anyone important, it's gotten to the point where people do not have an issue with telling a stranger what to eat.

And to those that would like to see a daily White House menu posted, so that citizens could get ideas and guidelines about food from the First Family, I think that they are incorrect. I do not think that any change would stem from such a measure, but it would give people more things to talk about. I mean, the First Family is also fit, and work out regularly, but how many people started working out because the President and his First Lady do that?

When Do You Cardio?

2009-03-13T04:32:00.001-07:00

I know that, beyond weight loss, aerobic activity is good for you. Which is why I do it (or at least, feel guilty when I skip it). But when is it not okay to hop on the treadmill (note: I use an elliptical trainer)?

For me, there are some fairly complicated rules involving several factors: how much I've eaten and what time of day it is (if I've only had a small breakfast and it's 7:00 a.m., it's different than a small breakfast when it's 2 p.m.), what's going on with my sinuses (because being chained to a machine that will shut off if you hop down for 30 seconds isn't good for blowing your nose. And I'm not putting a used tissue on communal gym equipment), and how crowded the cardio are is (I don't wait for machines).

Now, there are several reasons for this. The first is that I've gotten my heart rate up to 170-180 while lifting weights. The second is that a big part of my ED was huge amounts of cardio (8 mile runs on an elliptical trainer with the resistance and incline all the way up or 1-2 mile swims, after which I'd walk about a mile from the gym to my sorority house, and since I walked everywhere, it wasn't uncommon for my mileage count during days where I ran to be 10 miles or over) as I frantically tried to burn off every calorie I'd eaten since working out last, and then some, to take the machine's inaccuracy into account.

For example, yesterday after work, I made the concious decision to not do cardio. Why? Because thanks to the weather, my nose was running constantly, and I'd essentially skipped lunch, eating a yogurt and a protein bar (which was definitely a candidate to replace any Twix, but I didn't know that when I bought it, so I'm giving myself a pass. Seriously though, Atkins makes really really tasty protien bars, they taste like and are calorically the same as candy bars, but with protein and other nutrients. And I'm not a fan of the Atkins Diet.), and while my breakfast was substantial (two pieces of toast with peanut butter and a banana), it was eaten with the thought that if I ate that and a similarly substantial lunch, I should be able to lift and hop on a machine for hill intervals without getting all nauseated and lightheaded.

But I was already getting hungry, and I wanted a snack. Plus my arms were shaking from thier lifting session (my triceps are sore! along with every other muscle in my arms/chest/back), and my sinuses were leaking. So I skipped it.

Do you have any cardio rules? Protein bars that have totally replaced candy bars? Weekend plans?

"I can't believe they said that!"

2009-03-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a close friend of mine called, both hurt and angry. The reason? An acquaintance had asked her if she ate, because the acquaintance had never seen her eating.

Now this friend lost a significant amount of weight recently, and while I understand where that comment came from, to know this friend is to know her love of food.

And it was painful to hear, because her feelings were the same that I felt when I first overheard people talking about my weight (and while there were definitely some disordered thoughts, my behaviors were still relatively normal). And by the time that the first person accused me of having an ED (to my face, not when I got up from the table at dinner or walked by their dorm on my way to and from the gym), I was so used to people saying things of that nature that the words had lost their emotional charge, and the help that my sorority sister tried to give me, to keep me from getting to a place where she went, was not accepted. The irony is that, like the village that heard the boy cry wolf, the first time I ignored it was the first time that it was true. When my sorority sister tried to intervene, I was slipping into ED territory (before that my time at the gym was about an hour of cardio, stretching, and ab work).

Which makes me wonder why women insist on saying things like that about each other (whenever a male was present, and my "ED" was mentioned, their reaction was always one of confusion, saying that I ate and that they'd seen me at the gym, and it wasn't anything crazy). Part of me knows that there's an issue of jealousy: several "do you eat" questions that I've recieved come from women in the gym. And while one was while I was working, several stem from hearing whispers and giggles while working out, only to have the women in question look quickly away when I look up to see what's so funny.

But again, why do women insist on tearing each other down? Because most guys (not men, but the guys I've ranted about in the past) who have heard the "she just doesn't eat/purges, etc.", generally respond to such comments with "you sure you're not just being a jealous b***h?". Men, as far as I can tell, generally tell the girls (if we're denying men "adulthood" based on behavior, females should be denied the same terminology) that what they're saying is jealous and petty and hurtful, and if the subject really does have an ED, the girl should be talking to her, not talking behind her back. So it clearly does not make them more attractive to males and women, it just intimidates other girls.

The only thing I can think of is that those girls feel better about themselves talking smack about other women. Because if they can't be thinner than a woman, girls at least want to feel that they are healthier (even if the woman got thin by eating right and working out regularly, and while to my knowledge, the girls rarely actually work out, preferring to lift tiny pink weights and walk on treadmills). Any thoughts?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2009-03-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

I managed to hang on to the body love from seeing myself as a person. And at the very least, I'm hanging on to the thought that I look better than I realize. But that isn't holding off all the negative thoughts in my head right now. And while some of the negativity is probably hormonal, the simple fact remains that the longer I think about the wedding, the worse I feel about myself.

Which is silly, because I've been fairly good about my "no sweets thing", although I was craving cereal last night, and BK went out and got it for me, and I ate it although there was more sugar than I'd have liked in my cereal (cinnamon oatmeal squares). I have also noticed that I haven't been snacking anymore, and if I do, it's the apple and peanut butter or a yogurt cup kind of snacking, not the bag of chips/candy/a cookie snacking, and I haven't missed those snacks. It's the after-dinner wanting for something chocolatey.

I've made up for this by cutting back on my cardio. Because even though I'm aware that cardio is good for other things than simply burning calories fast (which I can do with weight training: it's not uncommon for my heart rate to increase. The highest I ever got it during strength training was 170 beates per minute. Please note that I'm 21, so that's high, but okay for me), it's also about endurance and pushing through the boredom and discomfort. Plus I'm pretty sure it's good for my lungs. But because I'm not doing cardio, I'm assuming that I'm not burning off anything that I eat, and that it's all being stored as fat.

Now, the good news is that I understand that a lot of this is what led me into my ED. And I'm taking steps to ensure that I don't listen: I've made a list of "rules" to follow when it gets closer to the wedding (there are food rules, but nothing is explicitly denied, except alcohol, and there's a mandatory 5 servings of fruits and vegetables and 80 grams of protein), and I'm also trying to find a job where I deal with the non-fitness public, so that I can spend time away from the gym and interact with average people (note that this will also get me out of the apartment when I'd otherwise be hermit-like. By getting me out of the apartment, I'll be more likely to go to the gym on a regular and consistent basis, thus keeping my ED thoughts away, as DVDs don't do that as well).

Further, I'm actively looking for/picking up new hobbies (because knitting is great, but it loses some of its fun when it gets warmer out), and will be heading to the library to get non-wedding-related books to read.

The Letter E

2009-03-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

I agreed to play a game, and the Bag Lady has assigned me the letter E. So now I'm going to list 10 things I love that start with the Letter E.

1. Eggs. They're so yummy, and I love how much protein they are.

2. Eyes. (BK's). They're my favorite thing about him.

3. Etsy. There's a bunch of cute stuff there. I even have an account with them because BK began complaining about all the stuff that I'd knitted that didn't have an owner.

4. Earrings. I've got quite the collection. They're my favorite accessory.

5. E. The vitamin. It does good things.

6. Europe. I'd love to take a trip there.

7. Education. It should be available for everyone.

8. Energy. When I have enough of it, it's awesome.

9. Experiments in the kitchen. Although I've given myself food poisioning, I've also learned about which foods don't go together and have discovered some interesting flavor combinations.

10. Empathy. One of the better qualities to possess.

Body Image Breakthrough

2009-03-06T04:29:00.000-08:00

Now, when I said I checked myself out in the mirror, I meant it. But for some reason, I never looked at me. I looked at my arms, my legs, my abs, my hair, and my face, although not always in that order. However, I never looked at how everything looked together.

Which means that it's really hard to get a frame of reference for proportions, and I've been a bit harder on myself than I maybe should be. Yes, I'd like my arms to be more defined and to get the cuts above my hips and for my legs to be smaller, but by how much?

The weird thing is, I hadn't noticed that I was picking myself apart in the mirror until a few nights ago, when I was changing out of my work clothes, and BK had a question. When I turned around to answer him, I saw my reflection, without having time to go into the "okay, let's check the mirror" mindset that I guess I've been having.

I stared. Then I broke away to look at BK when I talked to him (something that's been deeply ingrained), but continued to shoot my reflections looks. Because I looked beautiful, yet I didn't feel like I was having a particularly good day in terms of appearance (although it wasn't horrible either, just average). And yes, my pimples were still there, as were my stretch marks, and my arms and abs weren't defined enough and I hadn't shaved my legs that day, but somehow, none of that mattered. I was seeing myself the way BK sees me.

And now, when I look in the mirror, I try to look at me. It's hard, and sometimes I can't do it, but I can look at my arms and abs at the same time every time I check my appearance, which is a start.

Anyone else pick themselves apart, or is it just me?

Announcement

2009-03-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder that I'm blogging at Girly Jock Goes Bridal today. And I did post a picture of my loaner ring. Enjoy.

My Happy Body and Thoughts about Weight Gain

2009-03-04T04:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Charlotte of the Great Fitness Experiment wrote a post about what a magazine thinks your happy weight should be (provided you're not pregnant and female). I commented that according to the magazine, I was at my happy weight (almost), but planned on moving further away, because I want to build more muscle. However, I totally check myself out in the mirror every day.

Now, part of my body confidence does stem from the fact that I'm 21 and haven't had to face any signs of aging. But another part comes from my workouts: I write everything down, so I can literally see myself getting stronger. And it's hard to feel bad about your body when you see it as something strong. Which is not to say I wouldn't change some things: I'd like my arms to have more definition, and I'd like to be tanned (okay, there are more things I'd change, but I've been trying to make peace with them, as they'd take surgery to "fix").

But part of my quest toward getting stronger means that I'm going to gain muscle mass. And while it'd be awesome if it replaced some fat, I also know that that's not always how it works (and, in my opinion, I'm at a pretty good muscle to fat balance, and if I gain more muscle than fat, I'd be happy). So it means that the number on the scale is going to go up. It already has.

And yes, I did freak out. But I managed to figure out why I freaked out about that stuff. And part of it was the inaccurate body fat calculator, which keeps telling me that my body fat % has increased, when I see more muscle definition in the mirror. But the other part of it is that I think I'm gaining constantly. For example, say I gain a pound of muscle and a half pound of fat. First off, my scale will tell me it was completely a fat gain. Then I'll think that, despite that a pound and a half gain in a month is pretty minimal (if you assume that there's more muscle than fat, and that I'll be in maintenance pretty soon), I've begun gaining, and the scale is picking up on the beginning.

Then, when I'm eating or working out, I'll think that I'm still gaining weight. I'll accept that there will be a 5 pound gain (at least) for this month. Essentially, I'll extrapolate an linear increasein my weight. And this is why I, at least do get perturbed by an increase in weight (even if it's something I worked to increase).

Sweat Smells

2009-03-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

When I read this article from MSN, I giggled. Not only because researchers actually wanted to study if humans only released pheromones when they're in the mood, but also because they went out of their way to make their findings only apply to heterosexuals.

I mean, they picked hetero men and women for the study. Frankly, I'm disappointed, because it'd be far more interesting to me if hetero women responded in the same way to a homosexual man's pheromones (which are only released when a man is turned on. It's a way for him to attract a mate). I'd also be interested to see if women gave off the same "come and get me" signals, and if there were any differences in the sweat of hetersexual women and their homosexual counterparts, and if men responded differently to the sweat of each.

And the reporter's conclusion (that if a heterosexual man has a crush on a heterosexual woman, she probably knows, at least on a subconcious level), is both way off and has some implications that I'm not comfortable with. First off, the woman in question wouldn't be aware of a crush based on pheremones (pheromones exist to help a male attract a mate). However, she might, as a result of the pheremones, be subconciously attracted to the guy. But then, she might not: a secondary job of pheromones is to ensure genetic diversity (so the pheremones of your close male relatives have don't stimulate your brain the same way that your genetic opposite would. A fairly embarassing example of this general concept is the time when I realized that BK and my brother used the same shower gel. I went from happy to smell the scent to horrified at realizing that I was smelling it because my brother had showered recently. Needless to say, BK switched scents immediately.). So even if a woman is exposed to a man's pheromones, it doesn't mean that she'll get all hot and bothered by it: if the genes in the guy are similar enough to hers, they wouldn't have any impact on her.

Further, a guy could have the greatest pheromones in the world, and that wouldn't make a girl want to be with him: women also look at behavior to determine whether or not a potential mate is desirable. So acting like a nice, good person trumps pheromones. I'm uncomfortable with the implication that a girl might, subconciously "know" when a guy wants her, because it opens the door to a number of "she was asking for it" scenarios, at least in my mind.

Announcement: I've decided to post here Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, as I've been having difficulty coming up with new posts. However, I'll be posing at my other blog more frequently.

Getting Stronger

2009-03-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

(and yes, I'm totally listening to that song from the Rocky soundtrack).

I still haven't had a decent cardio session, because my nose is almost continually running in general, and it's hard to do HIIT (or even just IT) when you've got to blow your nose. But I did get in a sweet lifting session. And, on a whim, I decided to try to do lunges and single-legged squats with 25 pounds.

It was hard. I'd previously only used bodyweight and ten pound weight plates (I hold it in front of me). My main issue was balance, but I did okay (except when the plate hit me in the ribs, which made me feel like I was going to puke, although I didn't). And I'm pretty sore today, but I can live with it (and walk around and go up and down stairs). So I'm also excited, because I got to increase the weights after being away for over a week (the having to take time off cause I was sick did help me get stronger). Hopefully this will help me be more Zen about having to take time off.

The other thing I tried was Charlotte's suggestion of doing a plank, but walking forward on your hands and dragging a weight plate behind you (and although I didn't remember her Ursula comparison, I totally thought that too). And while I'm not feeling them all the time, when I contract my abdominals (which I tend to do throughout the day), I can feel them.

Sadly, though, my arms (minus my shoulders, although I classify my shoulders as part of my back. Don't ask, I have no idea), didn't really do anything (i guess). I mean, I did 3 sets of 10 push-ups with my feet on a bench (one-handed ones are cool, but when I want to get through a work out, they're impractical in the gym, because too many people ask questions).

But the silver lining is that I managed to figure out that using the cable machine to do my triceps might not be working (as when I tried to use a dumbbell of equal weight, they couldn't lift it right). So I already knew that I'd have to figure out something new. Also, I did bicep curls with a 15 pound weight in each hand, so it's encouraging to know that I can go up).

Any wonder why I'm fake-bonding with Rocky?

Re-starting slow

2009-02-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Today, I returned to working out. Kind of. I did yoga. Which was fine, but I wanted to be able to do more, physically, even though I know that I'm still not at 100%.

I mean, yes, I've been making it to my appointments and doing well in that respect. But I've also been sleeping about 10 hours a night (something which happens when I lift weights, but not on days when I don't). My nose is running and I've been coughing. I tried to do intervals yesterday, and couldn't do it without coughing so hard I had to stop (I'd worked up to being able to hold out for a half an hour before cooling down).

At this point, I'm planning on doing DVDs of yoga and pilates (and maybe belly dancing, as BK is not here, so I can close the blinds and not worry about anyone walking in), and hoping that by Sunday I'll be able to do intervals and lift, even if it's not at the level I've worked up to. (I'm postponing my monthly fitness test until I feel better).

Also, is it "cheating" on my Lenten goal of not having sweets until Easter if I have a protein bar that tastes like a Reese's (Atkin's Advantage Chocolate Peanut Butter)? (I picked something else, but did wonder about it).

I couldn't come up with anything to write here

2009-02-26T05:54:00.000-08:00

But I did post on my engagement/wedding planning blog about the engagement ring (sorry, no pictures, as I couldn't find my camera's cord to get the pictures onto my computer).

So click here for that post.

The power of sleep

2009-02-25T05:58:00.000-08:00

For the past few days, I've been sick. On Monday (in what was a continuation/worsening of the weekend) I was nauseated and had issues keeping my food down. Yesterday, I was exhausted. As in, went to my boot camp, came home and slept for 4 hours, only waking up when my dad called. Then, while debating whether or not I should call out sick, fell asleep, and woke up an hour later. I did so, and slept until 4 p.m., then managed to stay relatively awake until 11, at which point I went to bed.

I slept pretty much the whole night (except when I had to get up to pee, as I'd made sure to stay hydrated by chugging Immunity Defense Crystal Light, which tastes like cherry snowcone whenever I woke up), and woke up around 8 30. And I feel about a thousand times better (although still a bit tired, although that could be because I'm not having coffee, because it's Ash Wednesday and I should be fasting, although given that I've just been sick, I'm allowing myself toast and tea).

But more tellingly (as honestly, I wanted to pull over on my way home from bootcamp and take a nap. And it's a 10 minute drive, so it isn't that hard to feel better from that), I look better. My skin looks fantastic and my eyes are bright. Hopefully for the rest of the week, I'll be able to write more coherent, better posts (seriously, those last two made me cringe, as I'd wanted to make my point a bit more eloquently).

What I think of the A-rod & Phelps "Scandals"

2009-02-24T04:20:00.000-08:00

People are shocked that A-rod has been using performance-enhancing drugs, and think that he doesn't belong in the Hall of Fame. Or, at least, there should be an asterisk next to his name, to let future generations know that he was using performance-enhancers.

Frankly, I'm stunned that people are this upset. Think about it: what if there was a drug that you could take that would make you phenomenal at your job. There might be side effects, but no one really knows what the long-term consequences are (there has not been any study done to track the long-term results, either good or bad, of steroid use). Would you take it? Now assume that most of the "superstars" at your job were taking them, and the only way that you'd have a shot at a promotion would be to take this drug. What about now? What if the only way to keep your job was to take the drug (and you only had a high-school diploma to fall back on)?

So are all these athletes at fault, or is the system broken?

As for Phelps' marijuana use, is anyone really surprised that he at least tried the stuff? Or is the issue that he got caught?

Think about it: He's 23, and has 14 gold medals. While he might have been able to add to that total, he had to know that it'd be pretty impossible to beat 8 gold medals. So at 23, his career has peaked. He's probably never going to be more famous. Add that to the fact that he admitted he had no life outside of swimming, and is it really that difficult to see why he went on a partying bender that included smoking pot?

Further, does anyone think he's some kind of genetically gifted swimming machine, or is there a chance that he was taking performance enhancers?

Again, is the athlete wrong, or is the system broken?

Health & Religion

2009-02-23T05:03:00.000-08:00

Generally, I hate it when people use their religion's holy days to start a new diet. As a Catholic, I can't tell you the number of times I've heard someone say "Oh, I'm giving up carbs for Lent. I want to lose at least 5 pounds", nor can I count the number of times I've had to bite my tongue.

Now, there are two reasons why I get upset about this. The first is because to me, using a holy time to kick-start a diet takes away from the spirituality of the time. The second is because it adds a religious touch to the diet: If you stop your diet during the 46 days of Lent, you've essentially let Jesus down.

However, I do think that giving up a food or a food-related vice can be a good thing. For example, this year I'm giving up sweets (except Edy's All-fruit bars and hot chocolate. Mainly because they're nutritionally redeeming enough that I don't think of them as sweets, and will probably slip up and eat/drink them), because I've realized that in the past few weeks, I've been eating sweets more and more. And unfortunately, I've done so to the exclusion of other foods.

Which has caused me to become a miserable person to be around: my blood sugar has spiked and dropped enough times that BK's been walking on eggshells.And it is because I know that my (nutritionally) poor choices are having a negative impact on the people I care about. So it bothers me when people ask if I'm giving up sweets to try and lose weight. And no matter what explanation I give, people will still think that I'm trying to lose weight, which frustrates me.